Angel revisited

It has been a very long time since I last spoke to her. We used to have frequent conversations, back in the days when I was still happily married and was working on my personal growth and development. She helped me tremendously then, and over time, I learned to fluidly move between her realm and mine, between my angelic connection and my human self, between taking a helicopter view and being smack in the middle of things, struggling. 

When my marriage fell apart and the difficult events that led to that, as well as the ones that happened after that.. I subconsciously created a coping mechanism that worked well. I became a hermit, hiding away from the world, from people, from feelings even my own. I covered the tremendous pile of stinky mess with a thick concrete plate, built a castle on it, and happily lived there, feeling very proud of myself for being able to move on and still be happy. The thick walls protected me, and over the years I even let several people inside them, only to eventually find I shouldn't have, for various reasons. Each time that happened the walls became even thicker, with less windows, less openings. To the outside world I proclaimed that I was happy, independant, doing my own thing not needing anyone. 

Then only very recently my daughter told me she is seeing a therapist, who amongst other things helps her work through the extensive damage that has been done to her in the past. And I started to wonder if maybe I too should try to carefully open the concrete plate and deal with the horror that lies beneath. I find that, as well as the castle has served me to not get hurt again, or at least not as deeply and badly.. it is also keeping me from truly connecting with people. from having friends, relationships and yes.. love. It is cold in there, and dark, and at times: lonely. 

‎But what to do? I knew a therapist is not for me. I have spoken to several over the past years, forced by my employer to seek help the two times I had a burnout. Both times it didn't lead anywhere, because I am so damn good at portraying this happy, balanced person, at going "nah I was just overworked but I'm fine now" and happily being on my way, back to work after a couple of weeks and really finding the whole "building up work hours slowly" policy that is used for returning after a burnout quite laughable , I felt fine, so why wouldn't they want to let me work my full hours straight away. ‎

Some time ago I spoke to a very dear friend who knows me better than most. Like me, he is a very strong empath, capable of feeling inside a person and not being fooled by what they say. Our talk was one of the kind where you connect at a very deep level and all of a sudden, as he reached out inside me, he hit a wall. Examining it more closely he described the wall as more of a cylinder, all around me and going so far down he was unable to find the bottom of it. Me being me I half joked and said that's because the bottom of it is rooted in Hell itself, where the top of it reaches into Heaven, and it's a cylinder so I can move up and down inside of it. 

After that talk, I was lying in my bed and couldn't sleep. And without even willfully doing it I called upon her and she appeared, amazingly beautiful as always, the perfect version of my imperfect me, looking at me with that familiar "ok, tell me" look. I told her, about the conversation with my friend, the things I was struggling with, the sadness, the anger, the undealt with hurt and how I didn't want to talk to a therapist but felt I needed to do something about this cold and dark wall I had built around myself. 

After I finished talking she smiled. "was that what your friend saw? A cold, dark wall?" Well no, he didn't say wall, he said cylinder. She nodded. "What if I tell you the cylinder is glass? and that, the higher up you go, the more light shines into it as the glass becomes more transparent? And that you are actually capable of moving through the glass at any point, because you are it's creator, and therefore, it will do as you tell it to?" I pondered that thought for a moment. But it serves a purpose no, to protect me from the pain from the past and make sure it doesn't happen again? She shook her head. "You said it yourself. The pain is at the bottom of the cylinder. Not outside of it, but inside of it. That pain is a part of you and as such, it belongs inside of the cylinder. All you need to do is to let go of the fear, which is what the cylinder is really made of. You are scared beyond words that you will get hurt again and at the same time you have no idea what that pain really is". I gave her a puzzled look. "You're right, I don't. What is it?" She shrugged. "It's a weapon darling. A sword, forged in that Hellfire you are so afraid of. You are failing to see that you are who you are, exactly because you have been there. That all you have to do, is take the sword with you and use those mighty wings of yours to fly, up towards the light, sideways straight through the glass, wherever you want to go. And understand that only one thing powers those wings: love. You are strenghtening the cylinder by giving in to the fear, yet all you have to do is stop fearing and allowing love to guide you. And that includes trusting the fact that your sword will protect you, in case it's ever needed." 

I smiled, and I knew she was right. I wanted to speak but she had already vanished, as she always does after she has said what needed said. It didn't matter because she too, is a part of me. My guardian angel. We really should talk more often.