About six months ago, I met a man in Second Life who turned my world upside down.We mashed so well it was unreal, shared almost all viewpoints, desires and dreams, and soon the relationship moved into real life. I spent a week with him twice, and we found that in RL too, we were a match that was so amazing we had to honestly admit we had never felt anything like it. Then towards the end of December, we hit a bump in the road. Elaborating on what and how serves no purpose and so I won't. The important thing is we resolved it, and happily moved on being happy. Then a second bump announced itself, and I figured just like the first time we would talk things through and move on. I voiced my concerns and even came up with a possible solution, not thinking it was a big deal, just working on ironing out a few wrinkles. I would have been more than willing to discuss several other possible solutions. I am flexible, adult, laid back and I was sure that no matter what, we could work this out. After all, we loved each other in real life so a minor issue in SL was.. well, just that, a minor issue. Or so I thought.
And then he said it. "I think it would be better if we are just friends". My head went dizzy and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and as I tried to hold on with all my strength I felt the eternal blackness of the Abyss open right under me, sucking me in. I managed to somehow still speak to him. Calm, non aggressive. There was no anger. There wasn't even sadness. Just.. numbness, not believing he had just thrown it all away over what I thought was a minor issue in a virtual world. Within seconds he went from being the love of my life to someone I didn't even know. Was all of this just a sexual thing for him? Was the deep love I thought we both felt one sided and had I become a nuisance to him by voicing things I believed he wasn't doing right, or simply because they made me uncomfortable? Who was this man and had I even ever truly known him, at all?
Over the following days, numbness slowly turned into anger. I struggled with it, trying to not let it consume me and eventually I let it all out while cuddled up with a dear friend who was just about the only one who didn't see my freshly being single as a chance to try and get into my panties. He let me rant, and vent until finally, finally the tears came. I cried like a little girl. SO incredibly hurt I was barely able to breathe. And then he picked up my chin, made me look into his eyes and told me that I had to let it go. That I had to stop blaming myself, for not seeing the signs, for failing to comply with this man's desires, for standing up for myself. That I was an amazing woman, strong and proud and caring and that none of this was my fault. That it was this man's loss, and that it would only be a matter of time before he would regret it. I snarled a "Well, it's too late now" through my tears and he laughed and nodded. "I know Kitten. And you just proved my point. You are better than this. Let it go. Be that person made of Light that I know you are. Don't give in to the darkness. It loves you because you are it's favorite flavor. Don't fall for it."
The Abyss closed, right there and then. It probably knew it had been beaten and cowardice as it is, it retreated, no doubt waiting to strike another day, but for now defeated. I could breathe again, laugh again, live.. again.
And I am taking my first baby steps here. Getting out of the house, meeting new friends, by far not ready for a new relationship yet, not now, and maybe even never. My restored balance still wobbly at times and not ready to go that deep for anyone. But with my natural happiness, wit and sensuality back in place, ready to explore the world and see what it has to offer. Back to living in the moment. And thoroughly enjoying it.
