For most of my life, I have tried to fit the standard of being a sexual person. Someone who needs sex on a regular basis, enjoys it a ton, and who would never be able to live happily without it.
Because.. that's normal. It's expected. Sex plays a huge part in people's life. Not just because of actual sex but sex sells and so there are amazingly sexually attractive people in advertisements, sexual innuendo's are part of our everyday interactions, because.. that's normal.
And honestly I have desperately tried to fit in. I have had multiple partners throughout my life, some briefly, some for a much longer period and yes, I have had sex with them. Because that's normal.
But.. what I liked about it, was the fact that it pleased.. them. It was a bonding experience first and foremost. Like watching a football game with someone who is majorly into football, without liking football yourself, but still doing it because they love it so much. The whole physical act of it to me felt mostly awkward. Over the years, I have gotten pretty good at it, mostly so that I could make them cum reasonably fast, and be done with it. I moaned and grinded my way through the whole thing, faking orgasms left right and center and to the unsuspecting bedpartner I no doubt was an enthusiastic and skilled lover. But I'll be honest and say I would rather watch a good movie, have an amazing dinner or do something else I enjoy too, with them. Even though I am physically fully capable of having orgasms, the whole experience to me has always been in the "it's okay" category.
I have been told by several of my ex partners that I never take the initiative. This is absolutely true. I will never propose to watch a football game, either.
Earlier this year someone close to me came out as asexual. It's a term that for most of my life I had not even heard of. I am almost 59 and when I was younger we kind of knew gay people existed, lesbians did, but anything else outside of being straight and sexually active was unknown territory. Once I did hear about asexuality, I just assumed it meant something was physically wrong with these people, making them incapable of having sex and/or orgasms. And that wasn't me. But when this person desribed what he was feeling, or rather: not feeling, to me, I listened carefully, and at the end of his story I told him two things: That is perfectly fine. And; I think I am, too.
There has been a ton of reading up on the subject and analyzing myself, since. Suddenly, all of the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. There was a word for the way my sexuality works. And maybe even more importantly: I was not alone. And that was immensely freeing.
Estimates are that about 1 to 2% of humanity is asexual. What you may not expect is that most of them are in intimate relationships. Some, because although asexual they are not aromantic and crave the romance, the seduction etc. Others, because they love their partner and want to make them happy.
In the real world, I have no partner and I am incredibly happy, that way. In SecondLife, I do partake in sexual activities, because I enjoy the bonding aspects of the experience and since there is no awkward RL rubbing genitals going on. And I do enjoy erotic roleplay. I enjoy writing, and so doing a very descriptive sex scene is fun, to me. As fun as roleplaying, for instance, a vampire is to me, too. Both are nowhere near the top of my SL priority list though. And because it's the bonding I value the most, I have very little interest in sex with strangers. I am never horny, I never need to get off (and actually, I won't even if I do engage in erotic roleplay). So this whole "fuck, I'm horny, let me go find someone to have sex with" that I see a lot in SL.. doesn't happen to me. Ever. And so the rare times I do partake in erotic roleplay, it will either be with someone I know very well and enjoy that bonding experience with, or someone who is clearly an exquisitely descriptive erotic roleplayer who managed to engage my mind within a short period of time. Which takes being wildly dominant (without being a mysoginist idiot, that's an instant turn off for me). I am a very real submissive but to me, it's about feeling the power over me. It's not a sexual thing at all, although that may be, and usually is, a part of those dynamics.
Because it is not a priority for me, people who keep messaging me for sex even if they are close friends tend to chase me away. It makes me feel like a steak in a lion's den. When I'm building quietly, out shopping, or hanging with friends chatting and having fun, sending me a "hiya you sexy thing" IM will provoke a profound "UGH"response, and if done repeatedly, will make me not want to engage in erotic roleplay with that person even if my mindset is so that I would be willing to.
Seeing me as a challenge is also a total turn off. "Oh, so you're picky, well that makes it extra special if I get you to have sex with me". That.. is actually quite offensive. Do you tell lesbians "I bet you'd no longer be a lesbian once I get my dick inside you", too?
What I need is to be accepted for who I am. Asexual, and an occasional sexual roleplayer. I need people to understand that to me, it's not a priority nor a need in any way and that I refuse to help them get off if I'm otherwise enjoying myself, or just not in the mood. I have been faking it long enough as to not offend people. I'm done doing that.
So here it is, out in the open, in honor of Pride month and in honor of, well.. myself. I am a happy, out of the closet, asexual. Show me the respect I deserve, and you just might be one of those people I enjoy erotic roleplay with. Don't.. and find yourself desperately trying to get into my virtual panties.. forever.
