I go downstairs to smoke in the room we use for this purpose and I'm not even all that surprised to find her sitting in the best chair in the room, leaning back, and grinning. I can't help but stare at her legs, shaped to perfection, dangling over the edge of the chair. "Don't ever cross them" she told me a hundred times. "It's bad for your chi and besides, there is nothing there to be ashamed of." I sit down in the other chair.
She grins. "So, how's life?". I mumble a "fine" and she gives me that "cut the crap" look. "Okay well it's not fine. I'm about to terminate another online relationship because it's just not working, I have had the kids home sick for a whole week and the house is a mess and I'm so not looking forward to having to clean that up, it makes me feel like Tantalus carrying water up the hill in a leaking basket and never ever getting to the top because way before he reaches it, the water has all leaked out."
She laughs out loud, this perfect laugh of hers, enhanced by the acoustics of this room that was built for music by the previous owner, a professional violin player.
"Feeling sorry for ourselves, are we". I pout and state I have every reason to. In a split second her face goes from laughter to anger. "No, you don't." I know better than to argue with her, so instead I try to relax in my chair and take the beating that I know is coming. She just looks at me and lights a cigarette, slowly blowing out the smoke in perfect circles. Clearly enjoying it she grins at me. "You should stop smoking, you know that. It's bad for your health and you're a long way from reaching the level where it can't harm you. Too bad really.. these are good." I tell her she's a mean sadist bitch and she smiles. "I know. It's why you love me so much."
She inhales deeply, then looks me straight into the eye. "You are here, because you chose to be here. If this isn't where you want to be, then I suggest you pack your bags, catch a train and go to wherever it is you do want to be. But you won't, because this is who you are, and it's all good. You may think you have a right to feel sorry for yourself but really, that is a totally useless emotion. Learn the lessons, and move on." I sigh and nod. "That is a very easy thing to say, from your point of view. But tell me this. Why is it that more often than not, I end up being neglected by people I care about. Taken for granted, kept waiting, put at the bottom of the priority list? Am I so unsignificant, so not interesting to spend time with?" She laughs. I hate it when she laughs at moments like this. "You are the common denominator in all your failed relationships, dear. And to answer your question as to why? Simply, because you let them."
I shake my head. "No, no, no, NO! You're oversimplifying things again. That isn't how it works. All I need, is a little commitment. Communications. I can take "I won't be here for the next couple of days, because I'm busy elsewhere." I can't take being kept waiting for days in a row without having a clue about why the other person is not around. At least, not when the same person tells me over and over again how much they love me and how important I am to them. I also deal badly with false promises. Doing a no show after telling me they would surely spend time with me that day. Just how friggin' hard is it to at least leave me a "sorry can't make it" message?" I'm fuming. Pure anger, combined with sadness, and it brings tears to my eyes.
For once she doesn't laugh. "Remember the first rule of magic? People are stupid. And what was the first thing you learned when you set out on your path as a warrior? Plug energy leaks. Why do you wait? I'm sure there's tons of useful things you could be doing instead of waiting around for people who, for whatever reason, aren't there when they said they would. Life is a solo challenge. Live it. Enjoy it to the max, and if people want to walk with you that's great, but if not, that should not slow you down. The big mistake you're making over and over again is you depend on other people for your personal happiness. Partly because you feel the need to make them happy too, and partly because even though you have this mighty pair of wings.. you're still afraid to fly. You only do it when you're at the edge of the rock and have no other option left, and by then you have already wasted tons of time and energy on the wrong things."
I growl at her and she blows me a kiss. "More people than you realize care about you a great deal. They will stay with you in one way or another, no matter what you do and where you go. Those are the people that matter. Just be you, and do your things, and everything else will fall into place. Now go clean that house, and your life."
I turn to her. She is gone. I shake my head and laugh, my laughter enhanced by the acoustics of this room that was once built for music. I hear her in there, or do I hear me? There is no difference.
