Gall bladder surgery

Two days ago, my gall bladder was removed. It had been causing me almost constant belly aches for some 2 months, and occasional terrible cramp attacks due to being full of gall stones, and so surgery was the only option.

I had to come to the hospital at 7:30 am. Ron dropped me off, I went to the department, reported in and was rounded up with several other people in a room. There was a bit of confusion, apparently several people named "Smits", "Smit" or "Smid" were scheduled for surgery that day and the nurses were having a hard time keeping track of who was who. By 7:40 am I suddenly got told I was scheduled to be at the OR at 7:45 and so I had to change into a lovely blue hospital shirt very quickly, then was rushed there. When we arrived there was people holding clipboards and looking on computer screens all over the place, a whole row of beds with people in it ready to have surgery, and no space for me. The new computer system for the OR planning wasn't working too well, and so it wasn't really my turn yet, and I was brought back to the room I was previously in.

After waiting for another hour it finally was my turn, and so they took me to the OR for the second time that day. This time by volunteer workers from the "patient transportation" department. I told the man pushing my bed this was my second time to the OR today because something went wrong with the planning the first time. He jokingly responded "ah well, that's because the nurses brought you. Just leave it to us from patient transportation, we always make sure no one returns". I'm sure he meant well but at the time, I didn't think it was funny.

This time, I was accepted, the IV needle put in place and within a few minutes, I was under full anaesthesia. The first thing I remember after that is being in the recovery room at noon. I didn't have a lot of pain and apart from a bit dizzy and disoriented I felt quite good, so soon after I was back at the "short stay" department. I called home to let them know I was allright, logged into Yahoo for a moment to let a few other people know I was fine, and dozed off again, spending most of the afternoon dozing off and waking up again. The pain worsened, and I felt dizzier and by the end of the afternoon I got really sick. The nurse gave me two tablets of paracetamol and 5 minutes after taking them, I had to vomit and they came straight out again. Ron and the kids came to visit while I was still feeling terribly, so sick and in so much pain.. they left fairly soon and after they left I kept being sick multiple times, the vomitting worsening the pain from the wounds in my belly, driving it up to level "unbearable". The surgeon came to check on me and said she'd prescribe something against the sickness. For some reason, it took 2 hours for this medication to finally be administered, and so I spent another 2 hours hurting like hell and vomiting myself inside out.

Finally the vomitting stopped but by then the biggest one of my wounds had started to bleed again and using the button to call a nurse remained without a response for 5 minutes. And so I stumbled into the nurse's post, both hands pressed to my chest, blood dripping from my fingers, mumbling "ehm.. something's going wrong here". Later on I laughed about it, I probably looked like someone from a gangster movie at that point. "It was Tony's men.. they got me" or something similar. The nurse bandaged it up and the bleeding stopped, and so I went back to bed.

I asked the nurse to please give me something against the pain but she remained unmovable: I wasn't scheduled for more pain medication until 11 pm. Trying to explain the previous tablets had come straight out as I was being sick had no effect. By 11 I finally got 2 more tablets of paracetamol (effectively my first pain medication after the surgery) but by then I was in so much pain they didn't do much. I tried to sleep but couldn't and ended up sitting up against the pillows, half dozing off occasionally.

By 3 am the night nurse found me half crying and decided to give me a morphine shot. And as painful as the shot itself was.. I swear I was grinning like a total junkie when the godsent liquid entered my bloodstream and the pain lessened, finally.

The next day I was feeling a lot better. Still in a lot of pain but at least it was bearable. Not sick anymore, I even ate some bread for breakfast. The surgeon came to see me again and decided I was to go home.

That was yesterday and I spent it alternating between sleeping and sitting up for a bit. I went to bed early and slept fairly well and today, I am without pain as long as I sit still and breathe slowly. Still a bit drowsy and very weak, but all in all feeling a lot better.

Most of all, I'm just glad it's over. Now, it's just a matter of resting a lot and nursing myself back to full health.

The King is dead

The first thing to pop on my screen this morning when I switched my computer on was an offline Yahoo message from a friend, written at 1 AM last night. "Michael Jackson just died. Cardiac Arrest." I grinned, still half asleep, wondering about the punchline to the joke, and then it hit me.

Michael Jackson has really died. The King of Pop is gone. And I cannot help but feel tremendously sad. Throughout my life, I have been a big fan of his music. As an early teenager, I loved songs like "Ben" or "Can you feel it". I had just left home and gone into the big world on my own when his megasalling albums "Off the Wall" and "Thriller" came out. It was his music blasting from the speakers, that drew me and the friend I used to go out with at the time, to what would become our favorite little discotheque in Amsterdam. I'll even admit to having practised then mastered the moonwalk, as well as various other dance moves he made famous. "HiStory" was not as big a hit as his previous albums, yet I loved the depth and the emotion in the songs on it. Moving from easy, danceable, plastic pop Michael Jackson showed he had a heart and soul, and that at times they were bleeding because of all the injustice and pain, both in his personal life and in the world as a whole. His "Earth Song" can make me cry still today. And yes I know it's overcommercialised, but take that away and it's still an incredible song. As is most of his material.

And yet, in spite of all the fame and the millions he made, his life as a whole was one big tragedy. I think we all know the story so I'm not going to repeat it here. Comparisons with Peter Pan come to mind, as well as Heinlein's "Stranger in a strange land". When I think of him, I see an extremely gifted artist, completely lost in a world he didn't understand, and that never really understood him, in return. Wacko Jacko.

And so, the song ringing in my head at the moment, is not by him. It's an old Don McLean song named "Vincent", and it's about Vincent van Gogh, the famous Dutch painter who just like Michael Jackson was a complete misfit.

Part of the lyrics go like this:

"For they could not love you
but still your love was true

and when no hope was left in sight on that starry
starry night.
You took your life
as lovers often do;
But I could have told you
Vincent
this world was never
meant for one
as beautiful as you."

Rest in peace, Michael. You have finally found Neverland, beyond the second star on the right. To me, you will always be beautiful. Thank you, for everything.

Who's that girl?

More songwriting.. spilling a bit of my soul here.


**

Who's that girl?

Well I wonder who that girl is
she is sitting in my chair
and she wears my clothes, she has my face
she has even got my hair

But her eyes are close to crying
and her mouth has lost its grin
and as far as I can tell from here
she is close to caving in

And she's asking all her closest friends
what she may be doing wrong
'cause she used to always laugh and sing
she was always tough and strong
and she used to dodge or take the blows
and she could take on the world
so I really wonder who she is
tell me please.. who is that girl?

Yeah I wonder who that girl is
she is speaking in my voice
but it's far too soft, and trembling
like she doesn't have a choice

And I wish that I could help her
but I don't know who she is
She's a stranger yet familiar
she's the part of me I miss

And I'm asking all my closest friends
what I may be doing wrong
'cause I used to always laugh and sing
I was always tough and strong
Now the bleeding heart has surfaced
and it doesn't have a name
But if she is me, then I am her
and a fighter all the same

Special girls

Last Saturday, my daughter celebrated her 14th birthday with a slumberparty, inviting 3 of her closests friends to spend the evening and the night at our house. I will admit I wasn't looking forward to it. All three of them are 'special" kids with psychological and behavioral issues, and I wasn't really sure I could even do this. Especially since in the week prior to the party I had collapsed pretty badly myself, a lot of my undealt with hurt from the past surfacing, leaving me in tears and wondering how on earth I was supposed to go on. When that happened, I pondered my options. Seeing a therapist wasn't my number one choice, given it is pretty hard to find a good one. And so I decided to work through this all by myself. In Pema Chodrun's "Noble Heart" training, which I have here as an audio course, I found exactly what I was looking for. How to turn our mind from anger and hurt towards a completely open mind/heart, filled with love and compassion. All this wasn't new to me, as I have been studying Buddhism in general and Pema Chodrun in particular for quite some time now. But it is funny how, even when we know what to do and how to do it, we forget so easily, caught up as we are in the problems of everyday life and our ego driven sense of self that feels this strong need to defend itself against what we perceive as suffering, the unfairness and harshness of life itself. And so, still barely back on my feet emotionally myself, the day came and the girls arrived.

My husband and son left for dinner and a movie in Amsterdam, partly so they didn't have to be a part of all the girlie stuff going on, and partly because for the girls it would be much nicer to make this an "all females event", as well. And the last thing I had expected happened: I had a blast. All of the girls were absolutely wonderful and a delight to have around. Sure, they have their issues, all sorts of them, but they are also, maybe even because they are "special", very real, very open and from the heart. Without any effort they dragged me into their world, which evolves around the boys at school, puberty and the insecurities that come with it, and silly giggling about absolutely nothing. We sang karaoke with the Playstation and one of the girls turned out to be a true little songbird with a very pure voice. The rest was actually horrible to listen to, but they sang with so much joy it didn't even really matter. We went out to have dinner at a local cafetaria and I sat there listening to their stories, grinning big and not caring at all about the fact they were actually being really loud, at times screaming their heads off laughing or teasign one of the girls who had gotten a smile and a wink from a hunk who was sat at the next table and couldn't stop blushing about it. Walking back home we hooked our arms into each others and so all five of us formed a row, and I was amazed at how easily they accepted me in. Later on back home there was storytelling, Twister and watching a movie on DVD. Then finally it was bedtime, more giggling and laughing and talking until it was really late and I had to take on my adult role for the first time, telling them they really had to go to sleep now.

The next day, I made them all a big breakfast, and soon after they all got picked up by their parents. I was truly sorry to see them leave and found myself telling them that, if ever they wanted to come over again, they would always be more than welcome.

I'm still amazed by what a big difference a change in thinking can make. I could have easily chosen to get totally frustrated and stressed out by their loudness, their sometimes strange behavior and all sorts of things. But simply shifting my focus towards seeing the good things, sharing in their life, joy and sadnesses made this a great and very energizing experience. These kids really are special. But not in the way society uses special as a synonym for handicapped. There is a purity, a joy and a heart in them, and often all sorts of talents that are easily overlooked because of the stigma they carry with them. I can't count the times people have told me "ohmy, so you have an autistic daughter. That must be so hard." No one ever goes "that must be a fantastic challenge, I envy you". And yet, this is true as much as that it is sometimes hard to deal with. And I wish I knew of a way to make people see that, and to embrace these kids instead of writing them off as "special", secretly meaning: losers. They are anything but.

Another fun test

I love some of the tests on the Internet. This one was fun to take, and I do recognize myself in the results.

Your result for The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?)...

The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF)

Quirky Liberal Alpha Female

You are perhaps the most popular result on OKCupid, but don’t worry, you are anything but common. I’m guessing you are quite flirtatious, but you are hardly reliant on men. You like to do things the mainstream would consider strange, (like dress in costume, perhaps?), but this gives you an irresistible allure. Eat, drink, and be merry, but make sure whoever you date respects you and does not take advantage of your laid-back attitude. (BTW, you are likely the only type who can see That Creepy Guy (NLBM) for who he is, helping him to bring out the Manga Geek (QLBM) inside. This does not mean you have to date one, however. You are quite flexible and can enjoy the company of many of the types.)

You are more QUIRKY than NORMAL.

You are more LIBERAL than TRADITIONAL.

You are more DOMINANT than PASSIVE.

When picking a date, consider: The Lord of the Misfits (QLAM), The Fratt Boy (NLAM), The Snowball's Chance in Hell (QTBM), The Manga Geek (QLBM), or That Creepy Guy (NLBM).

(Image from http://www.buycostumes.com/Lock-Lace-Bodice-Navy-Renaissance-Collection-Adult/27296/ProductDetail.aspx)

Take The Social Persona Test (What kind of man/woman are you?) at HelloQuizzy

More Playing for Change

Because I believe in the power of this project.. because if there's anything this planet needs, it's peace.. because there are quite a few awesome musicians in it.. I want to share this.

Greenpeace needs your help

When you've finished watching the video I am also hoping that you'll be inspired and help us to share its message of action on behalf of our environment by taking some online action yourself ... and helping us recruit 3 million people to become climate activists. Yes, you read it correctly. 3 million. It's a big number because the Earth needs big action this year.

Here's what you can do:

First: Enjoy the video. Click on the YouTube logo at the end to rate it and leave a comment!

Second: Share it with your friends and family

Third: Take action for the climate this Earth Day by signing our online petition: ask our world leaders to take personal responsibility for the future of the climate and attend the UN Climate summit at the end of the year. But not just attend, they need to ensure a good deal for the climate.

Here's to a future that's green and peaceful. Together we can make it happen.

Vanilla

He smiles at me. Bright white teeth, bronze tanned face and those incredibly beautiful deep brown eyes. He is a looker, and he knows it. And I know exactly what he wants me to do. I smile, a bit shy, wondering if I should accept the invitation that is written all over his face. I was raised to believe it is a bad thing. It serves no purpose other than to indulge in its pure pleasure. I know this is true and yet, I find myself wanting to, needing to, a craving that is incredibly hard to resist. Half closing my eyes my mind floats away, daydreaming.

In my imagination I gently close my hand around it, holding it up, the perfect angle. Slowly bringing my face closer, tongue snaking from between my lips and just the tip licking, tasting just a tiny drop that was trickling down, the heat of this very moment. I know he wants me to go further, so much further and so I slowly open my mouth, tongue further out, a long stroke down the bottom all the way to the tip, savouring. It makes me shiver, hungry for more. Closing my lips around the tip I suck slowly. I love the feel, the taste, the knowledge all of this is for me. That I can take my time, enjoying it to the max. And so I do. Alternating between sucking slowly and licking hungrily, nibbling and gently biting here and there, my head dizzy, eyes half closed. Wanting it to last, and last. But the end is near, inevitably approaching. A few final licks and then I swallow fast and hard, not wanting to spill a drop but feeling it dribble down my chin. I wipe my chin and remove a few drops from the corners of my mouth, licking my fingers clean, then sigh happily.

Roughly pulled back to reality by a car braking nearby I look up. He is still watching me, smiling widely, his face radiating a "come on.. you know you want to" and I do, Ohgod, I do want to. And so I cave in, upbringing and knowing better shoved aside, giving in to an urge stronger than anything. I nod at him and he winks, getting ready to do the very thing he and I both knew would happen all along. One last sigh, knowing I have lost the battle, then I look at my kids standing next to me in front of the cart.. "ice cream, anyone?"

Cheshire cats and buddhahood

I was reading the ads on the supermarket's message board when I saw it: "Wanted due to sudden allergy: good home for grey cat, male, neutered." and a phone number. I spoke about it to my partner at the time who wasn't really too keen on the cat we already had and so of course he didn't like the idea of a second one very much. We agreed I'd just go have a look at the cat that evening. The lady who let me in was nice and warned me Siem wasn't really a lap cat or friendly towards strangers. She then led me to a room where he was sitting in a corner in the back, straight up, watching me as I was watching him. And I swear he was grinning. I didn't approach him, but instead crouched, just sitting there, holding out my hand and softly calling him. He sat motionless for several minutes, then slowly got up, strutted towards me, climbed into my lap and curled up, purring loudly. The lady was astonished, but I knew there and then. And so I came home with Siem at the back of my bike, in his pet carrier which the lady had given me since she had no further use for it. My partner gave me an angry "ah, so you decided to take it home after all huh" and all I could say was: "I didn't take that decision. He did." Which of course didn't help, but sometimes you have to risk a fight over something you know is right.


That was thirteen years ago. Siem is still with me. Now part of a pack of 6 cats, a dog and 2 rats around the house. He has never stopped grinning. Wether he is sound asleep somewhere near a heater, or sitting at his favorite spot halfway the stairs, overseeing the world from his elevated position, or watching the rest of the cats battle over the food bowls while he quietly awaits his time, when they've all gobbled down as much as they can eat and there's still plenty left for him to eat slowly and undisturbed, enjoying every bite. He is the largest of them all but he will only fight if he feels it's necessary, and then he can take on the biggest, meanest tomcats in the neighborhood and make them run for it, bleeding and humiliated. But right afterwards he'll go back to his quiet, grinning self as if nothing has happened. He still doesn't like strangers and will usually simply disappear if there's someone visiting. But once they've left, he's back again, sitting there with that big grin, as if he was saying "yeah, I'm here, missed me?". He is also still not much of a lap cat. Generally, humans make too much noise and move too much, they simply don't make suitable surfaces to lay down on and ponder the meaning of life undisturbed. But when one of us is feeling bad, sick or crying, he will make one of his magical appearances, curl up in our lap, and stay there until we feel better. I can't count the tears I have shed on his furs when I went through my, pretty rough, divorce with the kids' dad. But no matter how much I soaked him, he stayed there, purring, and grinning at me. And as crazy as it may sound.. that helped, a lot.
If I didn't know any better, I would say Lewis Carroll based the Cheshire cat from "Alice in Wonderland" on Siem.



In many ways, I envy him. For his balance, his omnipresent grin, his ability to pick his battles and not worry about the rest. Of course he has an easy life and really nothing to worry about. He doesn't have to work or clean, has never heard of financial problems or the stress that comes with raising kids, there's always food and water and a warm spot to sleep in, as well as ample cuddles from all of us whenever he feels the need to get them. Still, I wonder if it's true that it takes intelligence to reach enlightenment. His IQ probably is only a fraction of mine and yet, there he is, facing life, joy and defeat with the same laid back and accepting attitude, warm and compassionate towards those who deserve it, ruthless against those who don't but never cruel beyond what is needed to show them their place. He doesn't have an attitude nor insecurities, he doesn't whine or worry, nor is he ever grumpy, sad or insecure. He takes life one step at a time, dealing only with the present situation as best as he can. His intentions are always clear, there is no hidden agenda. And above all, no matter what.. he keeps grinning. Honestly, I wish I could be like him. With all the studying and soul searching I have done.. I am still far from that level. If he wouldn't have had a name already when I got him, I'm sure I would have called him Buddha. Buddha, the Cheshire cat. And I'm still so glad he picked me.

Stop whining, start fighting for it

Let's face it.. we are suffering from a global depression. And no, I don't just mean the financial crisis that is hitting hard everywhere. All around me, I can hear people complaining about virtually anything. Global warming, the arctic ice melting, terrible weather lately, religious differences, political issues.. and the list goes on and on and on. Usually, the response to someone mentioning these things is something along the line of "I know.. it's terrible". And that's it. We acknowledge the facts, and go back to sleep.

But what are we going to do about it? Ask this question and you'll get a "Who me? well nothing, what can I do?" For starters, you can stop complaining. It doesn't help, and it only enhances the facts. By mentioning these things over and over again, we only strengthen the negative energy that has us caged, making us feel helpless and on the verge of disaster. Once you have freed up the energy you have so far used to complain and feel miserable, you can start doing something useful with it. Try opening up your mind for a change. Realize there's an awful lot you can do. And it all starts with a positive attitude. Once you manage to do that, you will radiate positive energy and become an inspiration to others around you. Look at the word: inspiration. Put the spirit back in people.. awaken their soul, their core being.

And no, I don't mean religion. Although religion can be a great source of inspiration for people it has also brought us lots of misery. Because most religious people tend to both derive inspiration from their own religion but also: condemn those who believe otherwise, which is a big source of negative energy. Having a truly open mind means: Sure I believe in God/Allah/Jahweh/Oogabullah... not because I am a part of your religion, but because I see them as very useful sources of positive energy for those who believe in them. And whatever works for people, gives them hope, inspires them.. exists because of that very fact alone. How could I possibly tell anyone something they derive so much positive energy from, does not exist?

It is time for us to stop focusing on our problems and differences and start fighting for what is truly important. Bring back inspiration, bring back hope, stop being a part of the problem, be a part of the solution! Each and every one of us can bring a little bit of light to this world. By ourselves, we may be nothing but a tiny candle. But pictures millions of candles being lit all over the planet.. and behold, we have a glow that can be seen from the moon.

Next time you're about to whine, respond to someone in a negative way, put someone down because they don't meet your expectations.. think twice and say something positive or nice, instead. Whenever you feel the planet is going to bits: look at all the beautiful things that are out there, like in the video I linked here. I can go on, but I think you get the general idea. I just wanted to share this, because I think it's important but also to remind myself. Have a wonderful weekend!

A farewell

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Cold Turkey

Two days ago, both Ron and I quit smoking. Without any pills or patches or whatever, just the good old fashioned cold turkey method. So far, I'm doing fairly well, although I will admit I have my difficult moments countless times a day. Much to my own surprise it's not even the wanting to smoke I am having a hard time with. It's the side effects that annoy me to no end, and primarily the concentration problems.

I'm usually the type whose mind can easily perform multiple complicated tasks at once, I'm very organised and verbally strong. Now, the simplest things like making lunch or folding laundry take me forever, because halfway through I'll forget who wanted what or I'll stand with the one blue sock in my hand, just not seeing the other one that goes with it, then forgetting I need the second blue sock alltogether. I'll walk into a room to fetch that ehm.. yes.. what am I doing here? Or, and this one particularly bugs me: I'll forget I was talking to someone online in mid conversation, go do something else and then when they go "hello?" because I'm not responding I'll reply with a happy "Hi!" before realizing I was already talking to them before.

Apart from a bit demented I am also constantly restless, and even though I am in a great mood I just know that should anyone rub me the wrong way I am quite likely to snap.

And so I just hope I manage to make it through the first difficult weeks without caving in and without damaging my relationships with people I care about too much. I'm really not being a bitch or unattentive on purpose.. just a junkie going cold turkey to get rid of her addiction. Please, cut me some slack, okay?