She passed away some 10 years ago. My grandmother, in her nineties, after having lived a rather remarkable life. My grandfather died when she was not even 50 and from that moment on she lived her life alone. Having inherited quite a bit of money from other family members who died earlier as well as having a good widow's pension, my grandma did not need to worry about having to work to make ends meet. And so she chose a life of traveling, frequently and to all corners of the world, and outside of that spending her time at her home, close to her family and being very active in the local women's movement, amateur acting, singing and similar activities. She had a large circle of friends. She didn't know the concept of boredom, she lived a happy and full life.
But what I never understood was the fact she never remarried, or even had a new relationship. At the time, I was in my twenties and I had just begun to discover relationships, sex, and love. And I enjoyed every minute of it. I can't count the times she and I sat talking and I asked her about this, and she would always give me the same answer: "I honestly don't need a man". To me, that made no sense at all, how could she not want that? I pointed out to her that she was still young, attractive, smart, funny, there really was no reason at all to give up hope. She would laugh at me, playfully poke me and tell me that one day, maybe, I would understand but that having this discussion now was utterly pointless. And she would end the conversation there and then with her usual "Tea?"and that was that.
I am now 50 years old. I was married 3 times, had a couple more long term relationships without tying the knot, and all of it taught me valuable lessons. About relationships, love, sex and life in general. Maybe the most important lesson I learned was the simple fact that I not only can, but need to, be a whole person, on my own. Happiness is a solo trip. Which doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of other people, friends and lovers.. but they need to be an addition to my life, not a burden. And I find that sharing my life with somebody on a fulltime basis does indeed feel like a burden to me. More importantly, I don't want to depend on other people for my own personal happiness. I am a balanced person on my own. I don't need anyone to fill a gap in my life and complete me. Yesterday a male friend said: "But your health is far from 100% and yet you keep going, never yielding... don't you want someone to care for you and protect you, so that you don't have to be strong all the time?"
And the answer was no. And the reason it was no, was because of all the other aspects having a relationship implies. Sure, at times I would love to have someone by my side, telling me to stop running and sit down. I would love someone to deal with some of the stressful moments in my life, telling me " I'll deal with it". But those are a packaged deal with that same someone claiming my time when I want to be alone, demanding to know where I was when and with who, not liking the same food I love, making me end up never cooking it anymore, laying in my bed snoring when I'm desperately trying to get some sleep, getting man flu and acting like they're about to die, having some disgusting habits that make me cringe like leaving their dirty underwear anywhere but in the hamper, losing the cap that goes on the toothpaste or putting the toilet paper roll in the dispenser with the paper coming out at the backside. No, no, NO!
What about the good sides you ask? The companionship, the knowing each other really well and being able to share our deepest thoughts? The sex? The going places together, doing fun stuff? Well.. in my world.. that is called friendship. I don't need a man.
Tea?
