But I thought....

People who know me, know I am fiercely opposed to any sort of assumptions. Around this house, we often say it to each other.. "don't THINK". Think about it (pun intended here): Almost every lame excuse starts with "but I thought...". Assumptions are the mother of all disasters. Don't believe me? Here are a few examples:

"But I thought there were no icebergs here" - Titanic
"But I never thought it would burn" - Hindenburg
"But I really thought those doors were closed" - Herald of Free Enterprise
"But I thought it was a great invention!" - Icarus

And it's not just major disasters that are caused by assumptions. It's also smaller ones, closer to home, in our life, personal and professional relationships. Why do marriages end in divorce? Because we thought the other person would change, or would not change. Why do we find ourselves looking for another job? Because we assumed it would be different, because we assumed we would get away with things, because we assumed... allsorts of things.

Contrary to popular belief not circumstances, such as work load or difficult personal situations, but ... assumptions are the primary cause of all our stress. We get stressed out because the world is not the way we assumed it to be. And instead of adjusting our image of the world according to what it proves to be in reality, we get angry, or frustrated.

Is it simple to adjust that image? Sometimes yes. In many ways, we can make the best of each moment by fully immersing ourselves in it, and by not paying attention to anything that for the moment is outside of our circle of influence. We all know how to play a videogame. When we do so, we become our character, deal with whatever our character encounters, gaining points or taking damage all based on our decisions and responses in the game, but we **don't think about anything else **. We are fully focused. And it's fun, and relaxing. Unless we make the mistake to assume, even here.. when we die in the game because we assumed we could take on an enemy that proved to be too strong for us, and we can't shrug it off and try again later, we once more create stress for ourselves. But most of us don't do that all that often, after all, it's just a game.

What we don't realize is that, once we start to master the art of seeing real life the exact same way, life becomes one heck of a lot easier. Once we learn how to deal with things when and if they happen, and not to assume they will turn out a certain way, we find the peace and the space to enjoy them fully as they are. 

When I first started to learn meditation, I was told it was vital that during meditation, I did not think. "Empty your mind" as my teacher back then put it. And so I found myself sitting there, thinking constantly about that I wasn't allowed to think. Every time I did think (and basically, that was all the time) I hated myself for being such a bad student. Until I finally realized it was never going to work that way. It was Pema Chodron who taught me the real trick. Thoughts will come, even during deep meditation, and all we need to do is acknowledge them for what they are: just thoughts. Like gazing at the sea and watching ships go by.. a simple "hey, a ship" and then on with watching the water without shifting our focus to the ship.

The wonderful thing is that meditation isn't just the practise of sitting. We can be the observer in our own life, all the time. To me, that is what the Buddha mind really is. Observing, but not detached. Feeling all the joy and all the pain of whatever it is, this meat puppet we refer to as "I", walking the face of the earth is going through. Just acknowledging it for what it is without losing focus and balance. And applying the principle of not assuming, for this is the true source of compassion. Once you can stop expecting people to act a certain way towards you and just accept them as they are, a tremendous source of compassion is found. You cannot be hurt by other people's behavior if you choose to accept them as they are and not let it influence you.

Does that mean we have to become doormats and let people walk all over us? Well no. We also have a choice in deciding who we want to be a part of our life. The paradox here is that sometimes, people we don't get along with, are a major source of growth. The saying "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" has proven to be very true for me, many times thorughout my life so far.

In the end, whatever comes our way is there for a reason. And all we have to do is to stop assuming and to just experience life as it comes, here, and now.   

I believe.. nothing

The question has been asked so many times. "Just what do you believe in?" It is a question I have asked myself, often enough. And the answer has changed, many times, along the way. It even changes depending on who is asking, and in what context. But ultimately, I think only one answer is 100% accurate. I believe nothing. Because to every belief I have that I always thought was rock solid, there are circumstances which I know will make me change my point of view. Take "killing is wrong", for instance. I do believe that, at the bottom of my core. I am actually a type that will go through great trouble to put a spider I find inside the house outside, rather than just killing it. And yet, if someone threatened to harm my children, or take my life.. or if killing was the merciful thing to do, to end tremendous suffering.. I know I could, and quite likely would, kill. Religion is another example. Do I believe there is a divine being ruling us all? No. Yet, I speak of the Goddess, the One I am sworn to serve, since many a lifetime, and for many a lifetime to come. Ahh.. so here's something I do believe in.. reincarnation, right? No. I can honestly say that when I die, and it turns out there is nothing beyond death, I will not be disappointed in any way. I will still know I did the best I could, during the time I had. Okay. Think. Do I believe in me? Hmm. Not beyond the point where I try to make the best of each moment, making the best choice I can, during that moment. If afterwards that choice turns out to make me less happy, I'll choose differently under similar circumstances, the next time. The Dalai Lama was right; "if you lose.. don't lose the lesson". Ah, waidaminute.. so I do believe in growth, in evolving into a better person? Truly a worthy cause to live for. But the truth is.. I don't really believe in that, either. I see it happen, but I don't take it as a given, and I'll fully accept it if it doesn't happen, for whatever reason. All I really know for sure is that I am. Not even the here and now are rock solid, because what is time anyhow, and place is a relative thing. if my body is sitting here, and I'm thinking about someone far away.. just where am "I"? Who is this "I" person anyhow? Is she my body? My mind? My soul? Am I a callcenter employee? a mother? A freelance consultant? a writer? an artist? a fantasy maybe, or a nightmare, depending on who you ask? The funny thing with this type of soul searching is that, the more you think, the less you know. Which might seem to be a scary thought, but it's not really. I think that, once you give up the concept that things need to be either this or that, and simply accept that today's vision may be tomorrows failure, or triumph, or both at the same time, you find tremendous freedom, and peace. To quote Forrest Gump: "Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get". But it is in this absolute uncertainty, this fluidity in thinking and expextations, as well as in truly seeing every choice, every challenge, and every waking breath as a chocolate, something to enjoy and savour.. that true happiness is found.

Special girls

Last Saturday, my daughter celebrated her 14th birthday with a slumberparty, inviting 3 of her closests friends to spend the evening and the night at our house. I will admit I wasn't looking forward to it. All three of them are 'special" kids with psychological and behavioral issues, and I wasn't really sure I could even do this. Especially since in the week prior to the party I had collapsed pretty badly myself, a lot of my undealt with hurt from the past surfacing, leaving me in tears and wondering how on earth I was supposed to go on. When that happened, I pondered my options. Seeing a therapist wasn't my number one choice, given it is pretty hard to find a good one. And so I decided to work through this all by myself. In Pema Chodrun's "Noble Heart" training, which I have here as an audio course, I found exactly what I was looking for. How to turn our mind from anger and hurt towards a completely open mind/heart, filled with love and compassion. All this wasn't new to me, as I have been studying Buddhism in general and Pema Chodrun in particular for quite some time now. But it is funny how, even when we know what to do and how to do it, we forget so easily, caught up as we are in the problems of everyday life and our ego driven sense of self that feels this strong need to defend itself against what we perceive as suffering, the unfairness and harshness of life itself. And so, still barely back on my feet emotionally myself, the day came and the girls arrived.

My husband and son left for dinner and a movie in Amsterdam, partly so they didn't have to be a part of all the girlie stuff going on, and partly because for the girls it would be much nicer to make this an "all females event", as well. And the last thing I had expected happened: I had a blast. All of the girls were absolutely wonderful and a delight to have around. Sure, they have their issues, all sorts of them, but they are also, maybe even because they are "special", very real, very open and from the heart. Without any effort they dragged me into their world, which evolves around the boys at school, puberty and the insecurities that come with it, and silly giggling about absolutely nothing. We sang karaoke with the Playstation and one of the girls turned out to be a true little songbird with a very pure voice. The rest was actually horrible to listen to, but they sang with so much joy it didn't even really matter. We went out to have dinner at a local cafetaria and I sat there listening to their stories, grinning big and not caring at all about the fact they were actually being really loud, at times screaming their heads off laughing or teasign one of the girls who had gotten a smile and a wink from a hunk who was sat at the next table and couldn't stop blushing about it. Walking back home we hooked our arms into each others and so all five of us formed a row, and I was amazed at how easily they accepted me in. Later on back home there was storytelling, Twister and watching a movie on DVD. Then finally it was bedtime, more giggling and laughing and talking until it was really late and I had to take on my adult role for the first time, telling them they really had to go to sleep now.

The next day, I made them all a big breakfast, and soon after they all got picked up by their parents. I was truly sorry to see them leave and found myself telling them that, if ever they wanted to come over again, they would always be more than welcome.

I'm still amazed by what a big difference a change in thinking can make. I could have easily chosen to get totally frustrated and stressed out by their loudness, their sometimes strange behavior and all sorts of things. But simply shifting my focus towards seeing the good things, sharing in their life, joy and sadnesses made this a great and very energizing experience. These kids really are special. But not in the way society uses special as a synonym for handicapped. There is a purity, a joy and a heart in them, and often all sorts of talents that are easily overlooked because of the stigma they carry with them. I can't count the times people have told me "ohmy, so you have an autistic daughter. That must be so hard." No one ever goes "that must be a fantastic challenge, I envy you". And yet, this is true as much as that it is sometimes hard to deal with. And I wish I knew of a way to make people see that, and to embrace these kids instead of writing them off as "special", secretly meaning: losers. They are anything but.

Cheshire cats and buddhahood

I was reading the ads on the supermarket's message board when I saw it: "Wanted due to sudden allergy: good home for grey cat, male, neutered." and a phone number. I spoke about it to my partner at the time who wasn't really too keen on the cat we already had and so of course he didn't like the idea of a second one very much. We agreed I'd just go have a look at the cat that evening. The lady who let me in was nice and warned me Siem wasn't really a lap cat or friendly towards strangers. She then led me to a room where he was sitting in a corner in the back, straight up, watching me as I was watching him. And I swear he was grinning. I didn't approach him, but instead crouched, just sitting there, holding out my hand and softly calling him. He sat motionless for several minutes, then slowly got up, strutted towards me, climbed into my lap and curled up, purring loudly. The lady was astonished, but I knew there and then. And so I came home with Siem at the back of my bike, in his pet carrier which the lady had given me since she had no further use for it. My partner gave me an angry "ah, so you decided to take it home after all huh" and all I could say was: "I didn't take that decision. He did." Which of course didn't help, but sometimes you have to risk a fight over something you know is right.


That was thirteen years ago. Siem is still with me. Now part of a pack of 6 cats, a dog and 2 rats around the house. He has never stopped grinning. Wether he is sound asleep somewhere near a heater, or sitting at his favorite spot halfway the stairs, overseeing the world from his elevated position, or watching the rest of the cats battle over the food bowls while he quietly awaits his time, when they've all gobbled down as much as they can eat and there's still plenty left for him to eat slowly and undisturbed, enjoying every bite. He is the largest of them all but he will only fight if he feels it's necessary, and then he can take on the biggest, meanest tomcats in the neighborhood and make them run for it, bleeding and humiliated. But right afterwards he'll go back to his quiet, grinning self as if nothing has happened. He still doesn't like strangers and will usually simply disappear if there's someone visiting. But once they've left, he's back again, sitting there with that big grin, as if he was saying "yeah, I'm here, missed me?". He is also still not much of a lap cat. Generally, humans make too much noise and move too much, they simply don't make suitable surfaces to lay down on and ponder the meaning of life undisturbed. But when one of us is feeling bad, sick or crying, he will make one of his magical appearances, curl up in our lap, and stay there until we feel better. I can't count the tears I have shed on his furs when I went through my, pretty rough, divorce with the kids' dad. But no matter how much I soaked him, he stayed there, purring, and grinning at me. And as crazy as it may sound.. that helped, a lot.
If I didn't know any better, I would say Lewis Carroll based the Cheshire cat from "Alice in Wonderland" on Siem.



In many ways, I envy him. For his balance, his omnipresent grin, his ability to pick his battles and not worry about the rest. Of course he has an easy life and really nothing to worry about. He doesn't have to work or clean, has never heard of financial problems or the stress that comes with raising kids, there's always food and water and a warm spot to sleep in, as well as ample cuddles from all of us whenever he feels the need to get them. Still, I wonder if it's true that it takes intelligence to reach enlightenment. His IQ probably is only a fraction of mine and yet, there he is, facing life, joy and defeat with the same laid back and accepting attitude, warm and compassionate towards those who deserve it, ruthless against those who don't but never cruel beyond what is needed to show them their place. He doesn't have an attitude nor insecurities, he doesn't whine or worry, nor is he ever grumpy, sad or insecure. He takes life one step at a time, dealing only with the present situation as best as he can. His intentions are always clear, there is no hidden agenda. And above all, no matter what.. he keeps grinning. Honestly, I wish I could be like him. With all the studying and soul searching I have done.. I am still far from that level. If he wouldn't have had a name already when I got him, I'm sure I would have called him Buddha. Buddha, the Cheshire cat. And I'm still so glad he picked me.