Joy

A scream from the bathroom. "MOM!! I am having my period!" I smile big as she comes running out, straight into my arms. I catch her and hold her close. "Congratulations, I already suspected that would be the reason for your belly aches these past few days. Now remember what I told you about all this, it's nothing to worry out, just a sign you're becoming a woman. Your belly is now officially ready to have babies." She looks up at me and lets out a heartfelt "eeeewww!!" and we both laugh, remembering our last conversation about sex which she ended by going "Mom.. they use that thing to pee with. Why would I want that inside me??"

Twelve years old, entering the next stage of her development. It brings back a ton of memories in me. From the very first time I had my period (I was almost 17, and worried sick I would never become a woman) but also the difficult circumstances under which she was born. The emergency caesarian after only 7 months of pregnancy which brought her into this world, leaving both her and me fighting for our life but winning the battle, against all odds. The surgeon, asking me if I had a name for the baby and me, half conscious, instantly thinking of a name: "If she survives, there is only one name to properly express what I feel.. her name will be Joy". The doctors at the IC for premature babies being majorly concerned and telling us they had no idea what would become of her, but that the chances of her being severely handicapped were large. Her biological father who at that point seriously considered the option of taking her off all the equipment keeping her alive, and letting her die. And me, literally standing in between her and him, speaking the three words I hardly ever use, but if I do it is very obvious I mean business: "No.. fucking.. way." Followed by a much friendlier, but just as certain: "She'll be fine."

And she is fine. Yes, she has PDD-NOS, a form of autism. She is not the average kid and there are many things she'll never be able to do like a "normal" kid. But she is a beautiful, warm, incredibly creative child, who makes the most amazing art and videos on her computer, can sing very well, and has an outlook on life that is simply fascinating to listen to. She works with energies like a fully trained shaman, and all in all she is simply wonderful. I'll be the first to admit she can be extremely tiring as well, needing lots of attention and sucking tons of energy but even though at times I feel drained, I wouldn't trade her for anything. She is, and always will be, my pride and Joy.

I.. have.. the power!

Remember the line I used as the title for this entry? It comes from "He-man, Masters of the Universe". He-Man, the hero of the cartoon, would hold his sword up into the air, shout that line, and the power would run down into the sword straight from the heavens.

I see a similar thing happening online a lot. In SecondLife, the online virtual world I am a part of, there are many self proclaimed rulers. They buy or rent a piece of land, build something on it, declare themselves king, queen or whatever title they assume, and other people will use the facilities thus created and treat the person in charge as if they were indeed a king, queen or the like. And there is nothing wrong with that. Roleplaying can be a great pastime, as long as all involved realize that is what it is: assuming, and playing a *role*.

The trouble begins when self proclaimed rulers aren't really fit to rule. Chances of this happening are large. The fact alone that somebody feels the need to be an online king, says a lot about this person. Well balanced, strong, capable leaders usually have already achieved a leading role in their offline life. They don't need another leading role in an online world, in fact they are glad to just relax online. They also usually don't have the time to be online as often as is required to run a virtual kingdom, fantasy world or city.

More often than not, drama will sooner or later hit the fan in online kingdoms and the like. Occasionally when that happens the people in charge turn out to be good leaders and solve the problems, everybody learns their lesson, and virtual life goes on as usual.
But that is the exception, not the rule. The rule is the insecure, way too emotionally involved self proclaimed rulers will see whatever happens as a personal attack and lash out in anger or sadness. Phase two consists of part of their followers leaving, and another part trying to patch things up. And after that the fate of the online kingdom depends on how fast the ruler is able to bring back balance, primarily within themselves.

Good, well managed online kingdoms will survive most storms. People will come and go, but as long as the concept is solid, the course is clear and the ruler rules without acting like a drama queen (pun intended), there will always be a core group of people who enjoy spending their online time there. But it does take a strong back to carry an online world. If you can't take the heat.. stay out of the Royal kitchen.

What have we done?

"What have we done to this earth?" is how the lyrics of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" start. I just watched this video on Youtube and it brought tears to my eyes, as well as made me physically sick. I know, nothing new there, and we've been basically destroying the planet and everything good and pure on it from the moment we've been around, still.. ouch.

Just watch that, and tell me you managed to do so without feeling anything. I for one couldn't keep my eyes dry, and apart from invoking tremendous sadness it angers me to no end that we are letting all this happen.

Live Earth on July 7 will be another attempt at raising global awareness, just like Live Aid was, and this time it's about global warming and what we all can do to fight it. See the website for more info. I just hope we will eventually all wake up and stop being the most destructive species this planet has ever known. One can hope, right?

On gourmet sluttism

It has never been a big secret that I do not believe in monogamy. My marriage is open, and since I don't do monogamy in my offline life, I see no reason whatsoever for being any different online. And so, even though I have a partner I love to bits and back together again, in both versions of my life.. I am free to have sex with whoever I want to have sex with. And I will, when and if I want to.

Because of this, I have been called a slut on many occasions. Does this bother me? Well, somewhat. The term has a ring of negativity to it. A slut is dirty, cheap, easy in most peoples books. The type that will sleep with anyone. Stupid, and therefore indulging in the only thing he/she is good at: spreading them for whoever is interested. And that... is so not me.

First of all, I am far from stupid. A person needs to trigger something in me, by being creative, witty, a great person to be around both inside and outside the bedroom. I need to be able to connect with them on different levels and then sex becomes a natural part of the relationship. I can have sex without that connection and occasionally I will do it, just for the heck of it or because I sense the other person needs it badly, but it's not really interesting nor fulfilling to me. And so, I am also far from easy. The fact I can sleep with anyone I want to sleep with, doesn't mean I want to sleep with everyone. Far from it, in fact. I'm quite demanding in what I want to receive in return for what I give, and I honestly think I have a right to, because I have an awful lot to give.

This is why I may often come across as a flirt and a tease and fact is.. I love teasing. But I'm not just doing it because I like it.. I'm also feeling the other person out, trying to discover what they're really after. If it's a quick fix, getting their rocks off not really minding at all who is at the other end of it.. I loose interest instantly. Go surf the mostly flesh colored parts of the net for dirty pictures, download some porn, read a naughty story or whatever, but stop bothering me.

I prefer the occasional exquisite lovemaking over wasting time and energy on having lots and lots of non creative, boring, and therefore totally unfulfilling encounters. Like it or not, I am a gourmet slut.

More mushy poetry

Senses

I am free
when bound by your ties
and I want you to know

Beautiful
when molded to your liking
and I want you to see

Powerful
when crouching naked
and I want you to feel

The answer
to your fantasies
and I want you to go there

I can lift you up
by kneeling before you

I want you to fly with me
so I can show you
how magnificent the view is
from the top

WIITWD

Belief system or: WIITWD (What it is that we do)

Having read so many thought provoking posts in multiple blogs here, I feel the need to share some of my thoughts. It may tell you a little bit about how we (where we stands for my partner and me as well as several of our closer friends) think and interact. Fair warning: my ideas have often been perceived as radical so if you are amongst the people who prefer to see love and relationships as beautiful, almost Disney style Beauty & the Beast love stories and get very upset when people say it is otherwise.. please, do not read any further. Also please note that I don't really distinguish between the relationship with my partner and the relationships with others. I love all of them, just on different levels and for different reasons.

The path we have chosen in our dynamics has been greatly influenced by the way we see life and our tasks in it in general, our belief system. We call this the Ordeal Path and no, this is not a religion of any sort, but rather a way of interacting with the people around us, life, and the Universe. It is based on values such as honor, dignity, honesty, being fluid in our perceptions and ways of being, openness, compassion.

An important part of my way of thinking is that there basically are two cycles going on in our lives. One goes from pain to relaxation to pain to.. etc. The other one goes from growth to standing still to growth etc. Now those cycles are parallel. The moments of pain are the moments of growth, and the moments of relaxation are the moments where we stand still in our development, look back and evaluate, and let the lessons that are behind us sink in. Both are neccessary and needed, both are inevitable and thus to be accepted.

Another thing that is vital in understanding the way we think is the fact that we strongly believe we are in each other's life for a reason. Not "just" love, or being friends, or similar interests. We are together because we can offer each other just what it is he/she needs at that particular time. Two halves of a whole, yin and yang, a symbioses that was meant to be. Accepting this means that whatever it is that comes on my path, I will accept it and sooner or later I will discover the lesson that was hidden in there.

Having said that, I also believe that life is a solo quest. This may seem contradictory to the yin/yang statement I made earlier, but it really isn't. The symbiosis is a constantly changing dynamic, not a static situation. We interact with people in the way that is best at any given time and under the circumstances but as the dynamic changes, so do we and thus the energy between us. Other people may accompany us on the path for shorter or longer periods of time but in the end, we and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

For that very reason I do not trust my loved ones. I love and accept them as they are instead. They are human beings after all and to trust them is to place faith in a mythical outcome and hold them responsible for that outcome. They are not responsible for it or for me. If they chose to do things I do not want to be a part of, or if their deeds cause me to not want them in my life anymore, then that is my decision to take. I will not be angry nor sad, I will simply move on.

Many people have tried to convince me of their truth and told me what they thought was appropriate behavior. I have taken what I thought was good and discarded the rest. I do not believe that "the" truth exists. There is only perception. My dreams are as real to me as my everyday life, the dragons and demons I have met are as true as the neighbors and the butcher. My beliefs and actions, the way I choose to live my life and the things I do because of that are as good as anyones and no one has the right to label them as "wrong", "dangerous" or whatever *to me*. They may very well be wrong or dangerous to others, but they are mine.

There is a lot more I could say about all this but for now I think this is enough. All I can add is that living this way has proven to be right for us so far and has pulled us through difficult situations that would have been devastating or even killing to others. It is not an easy path. But as dark, windy and dangerous as it is at times... it also leads along the highest mountain tops and has provided us with insights and beliefs we would never want to live without.

Feel free to comment on anything I have written here. Your thoughts are highly appreciated.

Cuddle pile

As soon as I open the front door the kids run past me and inside the house, leaving me on the doorstep holding my bike which has two heavy shopping bags hanging from the steer. I growl and manage to lift the bags off the bike, carry them inside, then park my bike in the hallway.

Once I have closed the door behind me I take a bag in each hand and make my way into the kitchen. I can hear the kids in the living room upstairs, laughing and screaming and running around on the wooden floor, making so much noise it hurts my ears. I'm tired, I'm hot, my bad knee hurts from the long walk home, I'm hungry, need to put the groceries away and make lunch. Taking another few steps into the kitchen I almost trip over the kids' schoolbags, left in the middle of the floor. I kick them aside and am about to yell something very unfriendly upstairs as something red and furry slides along my shins, forcing me to instantly come to a full stop, waving my arms with the shopping bags to prevent myself from falling over.

"Rascal!" I yell at the cat and he looks up at me, giving me one of those "whot??" looks. Ignoring my obvious anger he keeps rubbing against my legs, purring loudly. It's impossible to stay mad at a cat if they act like that. Soon, Jake and Elwood join in. We named the striped tabby twins after the Blues Brothers and often tell each other they share 3 brain cells between them. Two pairs of yellow eyes gaze up at me, giving me adoring looks not cluttered by any sort of intelligence. A purring choir now surrounds my ankles and I surrender, putting the bags on the floor then carefully making my way to the big old sofa in the kitchen.

They jump me the instant I sit down, one in my lap, the other two next to me on the sofa, all three of them purring loudly, rubbing their faces against me, tails up in the air. A fourth cat joins in and soon we become one big cuddle pile on the sofa, petting and rubbing and purring. The bags with the groceries forgotten on the kitchen floor.

After a few minutes my son comes walking down the stairs, peeking into the kitchen and finding me there, on my back on the sofa with a big grin on my face and four cats on top of me. "Ehm mom.. are you okay?" he asks. I laugh and nod and assure him I'm just fine.

Cuddle piles are the greatest. And if you have no cats: it works miracles with humans, too.