From Alpha, to slave, with all my love

 Dear slave heart of mine,

Now that you are back to being unowned, and the things that led to that, I as your Alpha self have taken full control of you again. I needed to, because you were hurting, damaged, disrespected and more things that bring tears to my eyes. I wish I could have prevented it, but I have not and for that, I am truly sorry. 

There are a few things I am going to put in writing for you, now that I have the chance to do so. It's a set of rules you are to stick to, even if eventually you go down the road of being Owned again. I want you to promise me that no matter what, these rules will be obeyed, at all times, no matter how amazing your new Owner is. And I want you to reread them, whenever you feel something is asked of you that may not be right, and even in between those moments, just so you can spot these things even before they become a bad gut feeling and so you can say no to them, immediately. 

1. Your RL comes first. Always. You will not be on SL if you have RL obligations, don't feel well, or simply don't feel like being on SL right now. You will communiate clearly about this but you will never log in if you don't truly want to. 

2. Control over your RL is also completely off limits for your SL Owner. They are not to tell you how to live your RL, because they are not a part of it. They may advise, give opinions but the decisions in that area of your life are, and always will be, mine and mine alone. 

3. Anyone who wants to change the way you look, should look elsewhere for someone who looks the way they want. A slave is to be appreciated, loved and cherished as she is, not changed into something she is not. This is a BIG red flag you have ignored multiple times in the past, and that has to stop. 

4. You will not go along with ideas and roleplay scenario's that go against your true beliefs. This includes racial inequality, gender based biases, and really any sort of discrimination but also things like verbal and physical abuse beyond what you perceive as enjoyable or at least challenging. 

5. Intention is important, but it isn't everything. Do they want what they want because it is mutually beneficial? And even if it does, how does it make you feel? Always trust your guts here. Never judge anyone by their words alone. Their actions, and how they make you feel, are more important than their words. Assess this on a case by case basis and if in doubt, talk to trusted friends and ask their opinion before agreeing to anything. 

In general: I want you to realize that  they have you on loan when you are logged in and I expect you to make them as happy as can be during those times. But ultimately, you belong to me and it is my job to protect you, even from them. You are to protect yourself from any type of harm. Rule Number One for slaves still stands, and always will: Protect the Property. 

Now go and live your SL. Be happy, be playful, be the sexual being I know you are. Leave all the worries and the hurt behind because they are in the past, they are lessons learned. Spread all that love and Light you have in you. Make me proud. 

 

Hello World

 Hello world.

I once used to live there too, where you are now. 

Fond memories of dancing in your squares, now all empty. 

Getting drunk in your bars, now all closed. 

My first kiss in one of your parks, now filled with signs: keep your distance. 

I have traveled all over you, with friends or to go and see lovers who since have all moved.. to a screen. 

Your busy beaches, vibrating cities, amazing forests and mountains and valleys with all their sounds and colors now only exist in books and on my screen.. out of reach. 

I can no longer touch anyone.. my mask keeps me from inhaling the scent of people I love and crying on someone's shoulder is no longer allowed.. it's a risk. As is most anything that involves people. 

My soul aches for you. You are so close, and yet so incredibly far away. I watch, from behind my window or my mask and I can't wait for the day that you will tell me that I am forgiven. 

For disrespecting you. For taking you for granted. For making you see no other way than to hurt me and my entire species back for all we have done to you. For being arrogant and thinking we can just continue taking from you without giving back, destroying, overpopulating, damaging you.  

For now, all I can do is cherish the memories. And tell you that I truly, honestly

am sorry. 

Angel revisited

It has been a very long time since I last spoke to her. We used to have frequent conversations, back in the days when I was still happily married and was working on my personal growth and development. She helped me tremendously then, and over time, I learned to fluidly move between her realm and mine, between my angelic connection and my human self, between taking a helicopter view and being smack in the middle of things, struggling. 

When my marriage fell apart and the difficult events that led to that, as well as the ones that happened after that.. I subconsciously created a coping mechanism that worked well. I became a hermit, hiding away from the world, from people, from feelings even my own. I covered the tremendous pile of stinky mess with a thick concrete plate, built a castle on it, and happily lived there, feeling very proud of myself for being able to move on and still be happy. The thick walls protected me, and over the years I even let several people inside them, only to eventually find I shouldn't have, for various reasons. Each time that happened the walls became even thicker, with less windows, less openings. To the outside world I proclaimed that I was happy, independant, doing my own thing not needing anyone. 

Then only very recently my daughter told me she is seeing a therapist, who amongst other things helps her work through the extensive damage that has been done to her in the past. And I started to wonder if maybe I too should try to carefully open the concrete plate and deal with the horror that lies beneath. I find that, as well as the castle has served me to not get hurt again, or at least not as deeply and badly.. it is also keeping me from truly connecting with people. from having friends, relationships and yes.. love. It is cold in there, and dark, and at times: lonely. 

‎But what to do? I knew a therapist is not for me. I have spoken to several over the past years, forced by my employer to seek help the two times I had a burnout. Both times it didn't lead anywhere, because I am so damn good at portraying this happy, balanced person, at going "nah I was just overworked but I'm fine now" and happily being on my way, back to work after a couple of weeks and really finding the whole "building up work hours slowly" policy that is used for returning after a burnout quite laughable , I felt fine, so why wouldn't they want to let me work my full hours straight away. ‎

Some time ago I spoke to a very dear friend who knows me better than most. Like me, he is a very strong empath, capable of feeling inside a person and not being fooled by what they say. Our talk was one of the kind where you connect at a very deep level and all of a sudden, as he reached out inside me, he hit a wall. Examining it more closely he described the wall as more of a cylinder, all around me and going so far down he was unable to find the bottom of it. Me being me I half joked and said that's because the bottom of it is rooted in Hell itself, where the top of it reaches into Heaven, and it's a cylinder so I can move up and down inside of it. 

After that talk, I was lying in my bed and couldn't sleep. And without even willfully doing it I called upon her and she appeared, amazingly beautiful as always, the perfect version of my imperfect me, looking at me with that familiar "ok, tell me" look. I told her, about the conversation with my friend, the things I was struggling with, the sadness, the anger, the undealt with hurt and how I didn't want to talk to a therapist but felt I needed to do something about this cold and dark wall I had built around myself. 

After I finished talking she smiled. "was that what your friend saw? A cold, dark wall?" Well no, he didn't say wall, he said cylinder. She nodded. "What if I tell you the cylinder is glass? and that, the higher up you go, the more light shines into it as the glass becomes more transparent? And that you are actually capable of moving through the glass at any point, because you are it's creator, and therefore, it will do as you tell it to?" I pondered that thought for a moment. But it serves a purpose no, to protect me from the pain from the past and make sure it doesn't happen again? She shook her head. "You said it yourself. The pain is at the bottom of the cylinder. Not outside of it, but inside of it. That pain is a part of you and as such, it belongs inside of the cylinder. All you need to do is to let go of the fear, which is what the cylinder is really made of. You are scared beyond words that you will get hurt again and at the same time you have no idea what that pain really is". I gave her a puzzled look. "You're right, I don't. What is it?" She shrugged. "It's a weapon darling. A sword, forged in that Hellfire you are so afraid of. You are failing to see that you are who you are, exactly because you have been there. That all you have to do, is take the sword with you and use those mighty wings of yours to fly, up towards the light, sideways straight through the glass, wherever you want to go. And understand that only one thing powers those wings: love. You are strenghtening the cylinder by giving in to the fear, yet all you have to do is stop fearing and allowing love to guide you. And that includes trusting the fact that your sword will protect you, in case it's ever needed." 

I smiled, and I knew she was right. I wanted to speak but she had already vanished, as she always does after she has said what needed said. It didn't matter because she too, is a part of me. My guardian angel. We really should talk more often. 

Facing the Abyss

About six months ago, I met a man in Second Life who turned my world upside down.We mashed so well it was unreal, shared almost all viewpoints, desires and dreams, and soon the relationship moved into real life. I spent a week with him twice, and we found that in RL too, we were a match that was so amazing we had to honestly admit we had never felt anything like it. Then towards the end of December, we hit a bump in the road. Elaborating on what and how serves no purpose and so I won't. The important thing is we resolved it, and happily moved on being happy. Then a second bump announced itself, and I figured just like the first time we would talk things through and move on. I voiced my concerns and even came up with a possible solution, not thinking it was a big deal, just working on ironing out a few wrinkles. I would have been more than willing to discuss several other possible solutions. I am flexible, adult, laid back and I was sure that no matter what, we could work this out. After all, we loved each other in real life so a minor issue in SL was.. well, just that, a minor issue. Or so I thought.

And then he said it. "I think it would be better if we are just friends". My head went dizzy and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest and as I tried to hold on with all my strength I felt the eternal blackness of the Abyss open right under me, sucking me in. I managed to somehow still speak to him. Calm, non aggressive. There was no anger. There wasn't even sadness. Just.. numbness, not believing he had just thrown it all away over what I thought was a minor issue in a virtual world. Within seconds he went from being the love of my life to someone I didn't even know. Was all of this just a sexual thing for him? Was the deep love I thought we both felt one sided and had I become a nuisance to him by voicing things I believed he wasn't doing right, or simply because they made me uncomfortable? Who was this man and had I even ever truly known him, at all?

Over the following days, numbness slowly turned into anger. I struggled with it, trying to not let it consume me and eventually I let it all out while cuddled up with a dear friend who was just about the only one who didn't see my freshly being single as a chance to try and get into my panties. He let me rant, and vent until finally, finally the tears came. I cried like a little girl. SO incredibly hurt I was barely able to breathe. And then he picked up my chin, made me look into his eyes and told me that I had to let it go. That I had to stop blaming myself, for not seeing the signs, for failing to comply with this man's desires, for standing up for myself. That I was an amazing woman, strong and proud and caring and that none of this was my fault. That it was this man's loss, and that it would only be a matter of time before he would regret it. I snarled a "Well, it's too late now" through my tears and he laughed and nodded. "I know Kitten. And you just proved my point. You are better than this. Let it go. Be that person made of Light that I know you are. Don't give in to the darkness. It loves you because you are it's favorite flavor. Don't fall for it."

The Abyss closed, right there and then. It probably knew it had been beaten and cowardice as it is, it retreated, no doubt waiting to strike another day, but for now defeated. I could breathe again, laugh again, live.. again.

And I am taking my first baby steps here. Getting out of the house, meeting new friends, by far not ready for a new relationship yet, not now, and maybe even never. My restored balance still wobbly at times and not ready to go that deep for anyone. But with my natural happiness, wit and sensuality back in place, ready to explore the world and see what it has to offer. Back to living in the moment. And thoroughly enjoying it.

I am a willow tree

I am a willow tree

grown on the edge of land

where waters eat away my soil

and rivers groan and rage and boil

yet even so.. I stand

I am a willow tree

I may look bare, I weep

and bend my head in storm and rain

hiding my face and all it's pain

but my dignity.. I keep

I am a willow tree

They cut me and they take

my branches from me,  trim my head

but I still grow and bloom and spread

You will not

see me

break

On independance

She passed away some 10 years ago. My grandmother, in her nineties, after having lived a rather remarkable life. My grandfather died when she was not even 50 and from that moment on she lived her life alone. Having inherited quite a bit of money from other family members who died earlier as well as having a good widow's pension, my grandma did not need to worry about having to work to make ends meet. And so she chose a life of traveling, frequently and to all corners of the world, and outside of that spending her time at her home, close to her family and being very active in the local women's movement, amateur acting, singing and similar activities. She had a large circle of friends. She didn't know the concept of boredom, she lived a happy and full life.

But what I never understood was the fact she never remarried, or even had a new relationship. At the time, I was in my twenties and I had just begun to discover relationships, sex, and love. And I enjoyed every minute of it. I can't count the times she and I sat talking and I asked her about this, and she would always give me the same answer: "I honestly don't need a man". To me, that made no sense at all, how could she not want that? I pointed out to her that she was still young, attractive, smart, funny, there really was no reason at all to give up hope. She would laugh at me, playfully poke me and tell me that one day, maybe, I would understand but that having this discussion now was utterly pointless. And she would end the conversation there and then with her usual "Tea?"and that was that.

I am now 50 years old. I was married 3 times, had a couple more long term relationships without tying the knot, and all of it taught me valuable lessons. About relationships, love, sex and life in general. Maybe the most important lesson I learned was the simple fact that I not only can, but need to, be a whole person, on my own. Happiness is a solo trip. Which doesn't mean I don't enjoy the company of other people, friends and lovers.. but they need to be an addition to my life, not a burden. And I find that sharing my life with somebody on a fulltime basis does indeed feel like a burden to me. More importantly, I don't want to depend on other people for my own personal happiness. I am a balanced person on my own. I don't need anyone to fill a gap in my life and complete me. Yesterday a male friend said: "But your health is far from 100% and yet you keep going, never yielding... don't you want someone to care for you and protect you, so that you don't have to be strong all the time?"

And the answer was no. And the reason it was no, was because of all the other aspects having a relationship implies. Sure, at times I would love to have someone by my side, telling me to stop running and sit down. I would love someone to deal with some of the stressful moments in my life, telling me " I'll deal with it". But those are a packaged deal with that same someone claiming my time when I want to be alone, demanding to know where I was when and with who, not liking the same food I love, making me end up never cooking it anymore, laying in my bed snoring when I'm desperately trying to get some sleep, getting man flu and acting like they're about to die, having some disgusting habits that make me cringe like leaving their dirty underwear anywhere but in the hamper, losing the cap that goes on the toothpaste or putting the toilet paper roll in the dispenser with the paper coming out at the backside. No, no, NO!

What about the good sides you ask? The companionship, the knowing each other really well and being able to share our deepest thoughts? The sex? The going places together, doing fun stuff? Well.. in my world.. that is called friendship. I don't need a man.

Tea?

Lights out

It was on the news today. Robin Williams died, aged only 63. And it looks like he probably committed suicide. Reading the news filled me with tremendous sadness.

He was one of the funniest people I knew. Not personally of course, but he has made me laugh ever since he played Mork in " Mork and Mindy", back in the seventies.  Movies like " Mrs. Doubtfire", " Good Will Hunting", " Good Morning Vietnam" made me cry and taught me a lot about what really matters in life. I have seen his stand up comedy many times, and his " How Scotsmen invented golf" has pulled me through many a rough moment in my life because no matter how often I saw it, it made me laugh until it hurt and forget about the misery I was in. Apart from the fact he was a great comedian and wonderful actor he always struck me as genuine. making the world a better place with his many talents. Building bridges between people. The world has lost a remarkable person.

It made me think. Why is it, that so many true stars have to die this way.  Amy Winehouse, Jim Morrison, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, to name just a few but the list is so, so much longer. It is almost as if great talent over time becomes a burden that is impossible to bear.

In spite of all the money and fame, or maybe even: because of all the money and fame. Maybe it is the audience that puts so much pressure on them they eventually collapse under it.

Maybe it's something else. Looking at the skies I remembered my astronomy lessons from school. What happens to those stars when they are past their productive stage? Well.. one of two things basically. Smaller stars will turn into white dwarves. But the big ones.. a supernova will take place and the rest of the material will condense into a black hole. 

Maybe that is what is happening to our truly big human stars, too. They don't fade away like the white dwarf stars of the skies. They, quite literally, go with a bang. And maybe that is not such a bad thing, especially not if it was their own choice. It's better to burn up than to fade away. 

And just like the stars of the skies, we can still see them long after they are gone. Their light still travels through space, even if the source is long gone. And as such, death is a relative thing.
Thank you Mr. Williams, for having been a light in my life on many occasions. Here we go, one more time.