Just be

Just a song I stumbled across while browsing music videos. The lyrics really say it all... Just listen

The benefit of doubt

From an early age on, I was thought that doubt was a bad thing. Yet, I did it a lot. I doubted the rules my parents wanted me to live by, the rules of society in general, the religious beliefs I was told were right, and later on even things like morals and taboos. In a way, I have always refused to accept anything just because other people said it was the right thing. Not that I was a rebel. I can honestly say I was a well behaved child, I had good grades at school, in fact I never stood out in any way. But my thoughts were mine and mine alone, although occasionally I did share them with my parents, which usually lead to violent discussions ending in "go to your room!".

Still I believe that doubting anything and everything is the way to go. The moment we accept anything as the absolute truth, as undoubtedly right.. is where we loose our autonomy as human beings. Take religion as an example. All the extreme believers, wether they believe in Allah, God, Jahweh or even Satan, make the same mistake: they accept their own truth as the truth, and reject everything else. What if they turn out to be wrong? Or even worse, what, if they are failing to see the bigger picture and in fact, all of them are right, but by rejecting all other religions, all of them are wrong, too? Why can't we just all agree on the simple basics, without turning them into any sort of dogma, and leave it at that?

We are being manipulated into accepting lots of truths, all the time. Without doubt. This is good, that is bad, why? because it just is. Well, I guess I am a very bad person, then. I had sex long before I ever got married, I was divorced twice, I left the church and went on a neverending quest to define my own spiritual beliefs. I have put people in hospital, and I will do so again without hesitation to defend myself or anyone I care about. I will kill and steal if I have to, and I define when I have to. I believe there are circumstances under which anything and everything is justified. I love my loved ones and I know they love me, but I don't take this as a given nor do I expect it to last forever. One day at a time. My body is pierced and tattooed and I like it that way. I make my own choices, and they are valid for this moment, but if circumstances change, tomorrow's choice may be quite different and I won't feel guilty or bad because of that.

In remaining fluid in our judgment and perceptions, we use the full potential of our tremendous brain. It also saves us lots of stress. Once you stop taking anything as a given and move to a more day to day type approach, you automatically stop worrying about most things. Not careless, just focussed on making the best of the only moment in time we have any influence on: now. Not rebellious, just out of the box. Doubt is a very useful thinking process. If there is one thing I don't doubt.. it's the benefit of doubt.

Christmas

Some of you may not like what I am about to write here. But it is the truth, and as such, it needs to be told. I hate Christmas. Why? Well.. many reasons. I'm not religious, I think the whole spirit of Christmas is as fake as can be, I'm allergic to prickly trees, and I dislike dumb people in large quantities. But most of all I hate it because this is the time of the year when people gather because it's so.. cozy. What exactly is so cozy about getting together with people you avoid the rest of the year is beyond me, but still, it is what we are supposed to do. The forced happiness, the silly songs, the "awww c'mon, it's Christmas!" being used as a valid reason for anything and everything. The stores, packed to the rafters with stuff we don't need and can't really afford but buy anyhow. People groceries shopping and buying enough to feed an average family for weeks, afraid they may forget to buy that one item that makes Christmas special. And since on Christmas itself the stores will be closed for 2 whole days, one never knows what one might need. Best to be prepared.

And as a parent, you can't get away from it. We don't really celebrate Christmas around this house, but the school makes very sure our kids are brainwashed into believing they need to celebrate it. For weeks they have been learning Christmas songs at school, often to melodies that seem completely random and are impossible to sing. They have made Christmas decorations and brought them home, and I've kind of forgotten to place those in the house and luckily, so have the kids. But, there's more! This is Christmas, and so we need.. festivities! And thus I'm forced to sit in a packed school gym amidst other parents to watch the kids perform a Christmas musical. The good old bible story about Joseph and Mary. A 10 year old girl with a pillow stuffed under her dress playing the virgin Mary. It was actually quite hilarious when she told Joseph; "great news! I am going to have a baby!" and Joseph, clearly not destined to become a great actor, responding "Oh.. great". Mind you, I actually think "oh.. great" is a mild response given the fact the original Joseph had never had sex with his Mary, I bet most men would respond quite differently. But anyhow, I sat through the whole thing, praised my son for lighting his candle (the only role he had in the entire musical) exactly in time, and being glad it was over.
Tonight, we're expected to come to school once more, this time because they are having a "Christmas market". Tons of fun! Hot snacks, prepared on barbeques in the school yard. The smell alone is enough to make you lose your appetite but.. ohyes, lovely, I'll have one of.. well.. that. More Christmas decorations the kids made, only this time we can buy them. (Yeah right, like I would want to pay for.. sigh.. alright, I'll have the purple glittery star please, just what I always wanted).Great gifts like Santa hats with woolen braids attached to them, reindeer antlers with lights, candles hand decorated with.. well.. I honestly have no idea what it's supposed to be. Loud, as in LOUD! Christmas songs played on the school's ancient stereo system and speakers. Ho, ho, ho. And there is no escape, because we're packed together like sheep ready to get slaughtered, all of us parents and our children, pushing through the crowd desperately trying to keep smiling, and trying to motivate ourselves by continuously repeating the "oooh, isn't this wonderful?" mantra to ourselves and anyone we see.

We'll need to stay there for at least an hour else the kids will be very disappointed, because the school has made very sure they're looking forward to this event as if it's as good as Disneyland. (Not that i think Disneyland is that good, but that's an entirely different story). Once back home, I will most likely collapse at my desk and try to deal with the built up stress. So far, I have managed to do so without any additional therapy or professional help, but it is getting tougher each year.

Focus Kitten, focus. Think of the one word that always pulls you through. Say it, over and over again. Ohyes, yess! I take a deep breath and then I say it, out loud:

January

Almost there. All I need to do is hang in there, and January will be. Christmas and everything it stands for survived once more and banished to the dark shelves in the basement where the boxes with the decorations will be. Almost a year to go and recover until the Christmas circus starts all over again.

Practical Magick

On our way home from school. Two shopping bags and the kids' schoolbags dangling from the steer of my bike as I walk, the kids on either side of me. We all hate this time of the year. It's cold, and gray, and on top of that it's raining. Not very hard, but enough to get soaked during the half hour it takes us to get home. We get to the traffic lights at the big crossroads. The pedestrian light is red, and so we wait. Standing still only makes us feel the cold and the rain even more.

My son mutters. "Dang, I wish it would stop raining." I grin. "True, it's been doing that all day now, the plants have more than enough water. I'll work on it." Then my girl lets out a deep sigh. "This light takes forever to get green. Can't you make it go green?" Her trust in my capacities knows almost no boundaries, but I hear her thinking I won't be able to do it. "Of course I can make it go green." She laughs. "Yeah right, mom". I smile. "Watch." I take a deep breath, narrowing my eyes for a moment, focusing. Then I count, slowly, steadily, out loud and in a voice that displays an absolute belief in my power to do this. "Three.. two.. one.. GREEN!". The very second I say "green" the light turns green.

She gasps. "ohmyGod.. mom! You can really do it! How.. how on earth.." I just smile and lead them across the crossroads but she won't drop the subject. "Tell me!". "Are you sure you want to know? It's really very simple. We pass this point every day. I have watched and learned. So, I knew there are exactly four seconds between the lights on the other side turning red, and our light turning green. All I did was wait until I saw the light over there turn red and count down. Everything else you saw was a distraction."

She giggles. "Oww.. and I really believed you used magick there. You trickster!" We both laugh. Then my son, who has remained silent through it all, speaks. "But it has stopped raining." A wide grin as I cuddle him. "Oh! Yes it has, hasn't it!".

Stray

I know he is there when I hear him, screaming in our front yard late at night. The sound is not that of a cat at all, somewhere in between the howling of a wolf and the crying of a child. But he is a cat, just a very big, very scared, and very hungry one. I suspect what's driving him out of his hideaway, probably somewhere in the woods surrounding this place, is pure desperation. Hunger, making him overcome his fear. His looks indicate he has been out there for a long time. He has the size of a small dog, thick, rough striped fur and his head is as wide as the rest of his body, making him look like a smaller version of a lynx. We have named him Stray.

It is midnight and freezing cold as I step outside, holding a bowl of catfood. The instant he sees me he dashes to the other side of the front yard, watching me from there, big yellow eyes flickering in the dark. My own cats are outside as well, clearly not happy with the presence of the intruder, hissing at him. He moves even further away, hiding under a car in the street. I shake the bowl and he perks up as the familiar sound of food reaches his ears, and very slowly, belly pressed against the ground, he comes closer again. I crouch, making myself as small as possible. The arm with the bowl stretched out towards him, softly calling him, using my other arm to keep my own cats at a distance. "No" in a firm voice if they come too close, and finally they give up trying and stay several metres behind me, leering.

Suddenly, he's there. Taking a mouthful of food from the bowl and immediately backing off again, swallowing hungrily, hardly taking time to chew. I put the bowl down and he approaches, and for a minute or two I find myself sitting right next to this magnificent creature, crouching with my arms around my knees, not making a move. I watch him eat, while he divides his attention between eating and keeping an eye on me and my cats, hissing at them occasionally. I wonder what he's thinking. Most likely, all he really cares about is the food. Still, behind all the agression I see a nice animal, just very scared, and hardened by the life he is forced to live.

I wonder if he can be tamed. Very slowly, I outstretch an arm towards him, hand open, palm up, showing him clearly there's nothing there to harm him. His eyes narrow but he continues gobbling down the catfood and I leave my hand there, ony a few inches away from him, inviting him to come closer and be petted. He strikes faster than lightning. His front paw lashing out at my hand, long sharp claws bare, breaking my skin. Too late to withdraw, all I can do is move with him and so I move my hand down so his claw doesn't dig as deeply into my flesh as it could have.

I don't make a sound. He is at the other end of the garden again, watching me. Looking straight at him, our eyes meet. With his stomach full and at a safe distance, every bit of fear has vanished from him. Almost majestic he is sitting straight up, yellow eyes flashing. I grin. Foolish girl, whatever made you think he could be tamed and turned into a domestic cat. He may not have chosen the life he is living, but it is where he belongs. And you may feed him, from time to time. Don't expect anything in return, apart from being allowed to revel in his beauty and wildness. When I finally get up to go back inside he takes two big leaps and vanishes from sight. Back to the woods. The house is warm and comfy and my bed awaits. But first.. a bandaid.

Rules for living

Although I don't identify as belonging to any sort of religion (I take what I like from multiple spiritual directions and disregard the rest) a major part of me is buddhist. Buddhism as a spiritual path primarily means the exploration and development of ourselves. Its spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, is a man of incredible wisdom, yet he always has remained humble, friendly and down to earth. Whenever my life gets rough and I loose my focus, I always find guidance in the 19 simple rules he once wrote down as a guideline to live by. So here they are. For now I'm just posting them, but I will probably comment on them in further posts. Comments from others of course highly appreciated as well.

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson
3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, and Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
--- Rules for living - The Dalai Lama

A new blog

No, I'm not changing blogspots again, I am way too happy simply being me without the hassle of hiding behind a fake identity. But I will be writing for another blog as well. As those of you who know me a little bit may already have gathered, I like the works of Robert Heinlein. And primarily his ideas and thoughts on society, politics, love, jealousy, polyarmory and many other things. So when a friend mentioned he wanted to start a group blog dedicated to discussing Heinlein's ideas I of course wanted to be a part of that. It's just the two of us for now, but maybe over time more people will join in. Anyhow.. here's the link: The Heinlein Blog.