Cuddle pile

As soon as I open the front door the kids run past me and inside the house, leaving me on the doorstep holding my bike which has two heavy shopping bags hanging from the steer. I growl and manage to lift the bags off the bike, carry them inside, then park my bike in the hallway.

Once I have closed the door behind me I take a bag in each hand and make my way into the kitchen. I can hear the kids in the living room upstairs, laughing and screaming and running around on the wooden floor, making so much noise it hurts my ears. I'm tired, I'm hot, my bad knee hurts from the long walk home, I'm hungry, need to put the groceries away and make lunch. Taking another few steps into the kitchen I almost trip over the kids' schoolbags, left in the middle of the floor. I kick them aside and am about to yell something very unfriendly upstairs as something red and furry slides along my shins, forcing me to instantly come to a full stop, waving my arms with the shopping bags to prevent myself from falling over.

"Rascal!" I yell at the cat and he looks up at me, giving me one of those "whot??" looks. Ignoring my obvious anger he keeps rubbing against my legs, purring loudly. It's impossible to stay mad at a cat if they act like that. Soon, Jake and Elwood join in. We named the striped tabby twins after the Blues Brothers and often tell each other they share 3 brain cells between them. Two pairs of yellow eyes gaze up at me, giving me adoring looks not cluttered by any sort of intelligence. A purring choir now surrounds my ankles and I surrender, putting the bags on the floor then carefully making my way to the big old sofa in the kitchen.

They jump me the instant I sit down, one in my lap, the other two next to me on the sofa, all three of them purring loudly, rubbing their faces against me, tails up in the air. A fourth cat joins in and soon we become one big cuddle pile on the sofa, petting and rubbing and purring. The bags with the groceries forgotten on the kitchen floor.

After a few minutes my son comes walking down the stairs, peeking into the kitchen and finding me there, on my back on the sofa with a big grin on my face and four cats on top of me. "Ehm mom.. are you okay?" he asks. I laugh and nod and assure him I'm just fine.

Cuddle piles are the greatest. And if you have no cats: it works miracles with humans, too.

Poly People

Often, when I mention the fact I am polyamorous, people respond by saying things like "oh cool, so you guys sleep with other people too?" and similar statements. For some reason people primarily think it's a sex thing. Well, I like sex, a lot even.. but that really isn't what being poly is all about.

Wikipedia gives a pretty good definition: "Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."

So yes, we can sleep with other people without having to worry about our partner getting jealous or upset. But what's far more important is that we are fully capable of loving, truly loving, multiple people at the same time.

It takes a special type of person to be able to be in this type of relationship. One needs to be rather self secured and not become jealous, feel abandoned or "not good enough" to be able to deal with a partner who is falling in love with someone else. One also has to be independent from ones partner and not see them as the center of ones universe. Enjoying without claiming nor holding them responsible for our happiness.

Getting there is a struggle which may take quite some time. Society tells us monogamy is the norm, and anyone desiring other partners is a lustful sinner who should burn in hell, or various other places depending on the specific religion. As always, truth and normalcy are in the eye of the beholder, and I strongly believe that ultimately we can only be our own judge. We should do what is right *for us* and what makes *us* happy (as long as we don't harm other people or break any laws). I personally learned a lot from reading Heinlein and from talking and talking and then some with my husband and various other people who had been poly much longer than me. And then of course from actually living this way.

Yes, it takes a lot of work on yourself and there will be tears along the way. Getting rid of layers of society induced bullshit as we call it can't be done without at times feeling pain. But if you can do it, and are capable of sharing in the joy rather than going insecure and sad, it is also one of the most magnificent feelings and deepest realizations of being connected to a person. When I'm having problems with a lover, my husband is the first one I'll talk to, and he'll listen and give his ideas, comfort, and he will be as happy as I am when things get worked out between me and the other guy. And when he tells me about someone he's starting to really fall for, and I see the twinkle in his eyes and that wide grin I love so much.. all I feel is a warm, deep love for this man, happiness, and peace of mind.

Oh, and the sex is great, too ;)

On Dragons

I have this big thing for dragons. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by them. Dragons were amongst the first things I was making drawings of, and as soon as I started developing (or rather: refinding) my spiritual side they were amongst my favorite companions as I started to learn how to shift dimensions while dreaming and traveling. I have a big dragon tattooed on my upper back. (see image, yep, that's my back) .

In SecondLife, I am a part time dragon. A huge white one to be precise, because that's what my dragon looks like. I love playing the dragon. Partly because it's a great character to roleplay (my dragon is a tad arrogant when speaking with them silly humans, loves to watch them struggle as she confronts them with their weaknesses, plus at times I simply like to be something else than a pretty redhead. Visiting friends who ask me over and appearing as the dragon while they expect the redhead is.. well, fun, to say the least :))

I found an online test about inner dragons and it confirmed what I already knew: white. Here's what it stands for:

If there ever was an apparition of balance, power and reclusive intelligence, your Inner Dragon is it. Whites are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. Your antithesis is the evil Black Dragon. Together, you two embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions (especially Taoism). Though you might find that neat in passing, it's not really what a White is all about. You like to think things out, plot against enemies, and look down upon the world from the highest mountain peaks. Your favorable attributes are the Day, the Sun, reaching for spirituality, truth, a positive attitude, and helpful magic. Humans only need fear you when they stray into your domain without proper payment for passage. Of course, that payment would probably be a cake the size of a Volkswagen, but hey, if they wanted to move through your turf they should have brought it, right? If someone ever threatens you, your Inner Dragon would likely tell you to hit and run, or just plain run. If they really wanted a fight you'd be an impressive opponent, considering you pack a breath weapon combination of Fire and Lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage.

Hmmz, any dark evil black dragons out there up to the challenge? ;)

Watch me fade

Sometimes, when feeling extremely good or extremely bad, I write songs to express myself. Here's one of my songtexts, hope you like.


Watch me fade

Please allow me to explain
how the fact I don't raise hell nor put up fights
doesn't mean you have me indefinitely
You may take me for granted
but watch me

Watch me as I slowly dissolve
all that binds me to you
I have cried too many nights
Waited in vain too often
and I will stop the hurting
just watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Better know I will refrain
from kicking and screaming.. I don't sink that low
the fact I won't fight doesn't make me weak
I just pick my battles
you watch me

Watch me as the distance grows
can you still see me?
Well maybe it is not too late
Maybe you will learn
to finally appreciate
and watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Watch me fade
This one too will make me stronger
Now that I'm done
I'm gone

Second Crack

I play SecondLife and have been doing that for a while now. I like it, when it's working. Recently though, it's been down, bugged, slow, laggy and whatever a lot. It has greatly diminished my enjoying this virtual world, on the other hand I'm way too addicted to it to quit.

And so I sit, grind my teeth as my client crashes once more, my objects won't appear in game, teleporting anywhere fails and and and.. you get the point. Luckily, there is the blog, the one place where Linden Labs (the guys responsible for keeping the whole thing running, using paperclips and rubber bands if you ask me) somewhat communicate with their user base. Today it told us:

[UPDATE 11:51 PM] It turns out fixing search is going to take more than initially thought, it will probably be down for most of the night. We apologize for the inconvenience and will have a team of crack Operations people patching it up in the morning.

Oh wow. Crack operations people. Not just operations people but.... crack operations people. I wonder if that is what they're on and what makes them ignore our questions, requests for help, and general feeling of being unhappy with the game. But that's not the point. I sat and wondered about who these people were for a while, then Don came online. And he had the answer. This crack team has been filmed.

So, here they are, Linden Labs one and only.. Crack Operations Team.

Status Drama

Lately, I've stumbled upon a strange phenomenon I just can't seem to get my head around. What is it that makes people decide their Yahoo/MSN/Gtalk/whatever messenger service status indicator is THE place to show the world how bad they feel?

I mean.. I use status indicators, like "Fetching kids & groceries, brb" or "not at my desk" or "cleaning house, please disturb". I do that so my friends know what I'm up to and to give a rough indication of when I'll be back. But why on earth would anyone feel like having "Hurting, please leave me alone" as their status? Or "Pissed, go away" or "Friendship is an illusion" combined with a busy icon. I don't get it.

If you feel that bad, why log onto a Messenger service at all? And if you do, why mention your state of mind in your status almost screaming your pain at the world, but at the same time saying you want to be left alone?

What's really at work here is reversed psychology if you ask me. What those messages really say is: "I do want you to message me, very carefully, ask me how I am and I will at first act a bit reserved, then whine for an hour, then tell you I really don't want to speak with anyone. And you'll feel double lousy, once because you did message me even though I told you not to, and again because my life is so terrible right now". Drama queenism, to the max. And I for one am not gonna fall for it.

Feel lousy, wanna talk? Then talk. I can deal just fine with a "Feeling like shit here, I so need a hug" message. You'll get that hug, instantly. But the drama queens resorting to status indicator guerilla tactics I will fully and bluntly ignore. Unless they do it too often, then I will remove them from my list.

Yet another personality test

I have this thing for personality tests. I love taking them, just to see if the outcome is something I recognize myself in. This time, I took the one at similarminds.com. Here are the results, just for shits & giggles.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 43% Stability |||||||||||||| 60% Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56% Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56% Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70% Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||| 23% Narcissism |||||||||||| 43% Adventurousness |||| 16% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63% Conflict seeking || 10% Need to dominate || 10% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||||| 43% Anti-authority |||||| 23% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||| 16% Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76% Individuality |||||||||||| 43% Sexuality |||||||||||| 50% Peter pan complex |||||| 30% Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56% Paranoia |||||||||| 36% Vanity |||||||||||||| 56% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43% Indie |||||||||||||||| 61%

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