On relationships and beauty

 Ever since realizing I am, and subsequently coming out as, asexual my world has been flipped upside down. In the past months, I have been doing a ton of thinking, self reflection, and finding my feet again in a world that is so profoundly sexual in so many aspects of it. What is my place in this? How do I interact with sexual people without giving up my own identity nor looking like a bitch turning them all down? How to communicate my sexuality, or rather: the lack of it,  to those not understanding my not jumping to the occasion when flirted with? How to explain my wearing flimsy bikini's, minidresses and my love for taking risky, although always tasteful, nude pictures? If not for sex, why am I enjoying that? So many questions. 

Let's start with "why the sexy clothing/photo's if sex is not the goal". Well.. I happen to see a human body as something very beautiful. In SecondLife, I enjoy creating a beautiful avatar. Aesthetically pleasing, nice to look at.. however you want to word it. That includes dressing nice and, I suppose, sexy although I don't see it that way. In RL, I enjoy nude beaches and I have zero issues with being naked. Maybe exactly because.. I don't see the human body as something sexual. I wonder how that is for anyone who is not asexual. When you look at the Venus of Milo or Michelangelo's David.. is that a sexual thing? Or just an amazing piece of art? To me, it's always just an amazing piece of art, even if it's not a sculpture but an actual living human body. 

At the same time, it does make me very uncomfortable if people do sexualize my body. It saddens me, if what I think is a beautiful (from an aesthetic viewpoint) body makes people go; "oooh, I would love to fuck THAT". Honestly, the need to rub genitals is alien to me. I do understand this need does exist in most of humanity. It does make me feel like a total outsider. An alien from a planet where sex is not a thing who somehow ended up here. 

Which brings me to: what is my place in this, and how to interact with people. For many decades, I have tried to fit the norm of being a sexual being. Sex seems to be the glue that keeps most relationships alive. But it did mean that time and time again I allowed sex to happen. In my previous post I called it a bonding experience. I did it because they enjoyed it so much, and I derived joy from pleasing them. 

But was that the whole truth? Looking deep down into those dark, scary corners of my mind.. I found that no, it's not the whole truth. I found that, at the root of it all, was a huge, and probably irrational fear of ending up all alone. Not wanted, not loved, because without sex, what's the point of staying friends with me. My analytical mind dated this tendency back to my early childhood where I had to somehow survive an abusive stepmother who didn't want a child in her life. And I managed to do so by becoming mostly invisible, making sure she found nothing in my behavior that would set off her rage. Standing up for myself was counterproductive, and I learned at a very young age not to do that. Instead, I became a people pleaser. 

Later on in life I found a new term for it: submissive. Suddenly, it was no longer a coping mechanism from my early childhood. It was something kinky and a "mental wiring" of sorts that many people shared and enjoyed. I'll readily admit that I enjoyed the attention, the feeling of coming home in a community that seemed to completely understand my people pleasing nature. Where it wasn't a damaged spot in my psyche but a feature that was embraced. And I learned to embrace it, myself. 

Once I got out of the, ultimately very physically but even moreso: emotionally abusive relationship with a dominant man that almost literally killed me, I suffered from PTSS and had to rebuild myself up from scratch. I had no self confidence, no clue who I was or what I wanted from life.. it was a journey, and I'm still far from finished with all the unraveling and replacing learned behavior with my authentic self. I have come a long way, though. 

Far enough to know that it's not true that I am submissive. I can be, when interacting with a dominant person, because I enjoy the energy exchange. But I can just as easily be the dominant person in the exchange, all depending on the other person's energy and how we interact. And neither of the two extremes defines me. Also: neither of the two is sexual in nature. That energy flow those interactions generate is something I enjoy, but I'm just as happy having deep talks with an intelligent person, laughing until it hurts with someone extremely funny, or being in awe because of someone's creativity, to name just a few different flavors of energy that I enjoy equally. 

Recently I had another one of my, very infrequent, sexual encounters online with someone I don't share a deep friendship with. For lack of a better word, they are a fuck buddy. Someone who probably would no longer be interested in me if sex was taken off the table. This person had been asking to "see" me for months on end, and I suspected they wanted sex, and I finally gave in. Again: to please them. Personally, I did my best to create a nice experience for them, and I ended up covered in pixel cum and them waxing lyrical about how they really wanted to see me more often. They had multiple orgasms in real life and asked me about mine. I had to confess that i did not have any, but "saved that for later". Too scared I guess to admit that "later" actually meant "not at all". The feeling was one of total emptiness. WHY was I even still doing this if I got nothing out of it. Yes, I enjoy writing and roleplay but.. is that enough to roleplay something that I personally just.. don't enjoy, at all? Is that fear of ending up without friends still running the show? Isn't it time to get past that, see who still wants to be around me, and fill my life with that type of people? 

The thought of it fills me with fear. At the same time, I have had the Bene Gesserit "Litany against fear" from the Dune series pinned on my wall here for many years now, for a reason. 

"I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

It is an inevitable step on my path towards finding myself. Becoming my authentic self. And being either loved or hated for it. But I would rather be hated for who I truly am, than loved for who I am not. 

Asexual: a coming out

For most of my life, I have tried to fit the standard of being a sexual person. Someone who needs sex on a regular basis, enjoys it a ton, and who would never be able to live happily without it. 

Because.. that's normal. It's expected. Sex plays a huge part in people's life. Not just because of actual sex but sex sells and so there are amazingly sexually attractive people in advertisements, sexual innuendo's are part of our everyday interactions, because.. that's normal. 

And honestly I have desperately tried to fit in. I have had multiple partners throughout my life, some briefly, some for a much longer period and yes, I have had sex with them. Because that's normal. 

But.. what I liked about it, was the fact that it pleased.. them. It was a bonding experience first and foremost. Like watching a football game with someone who is majorly into football, without liking football yourself, but still doing it because they love it so much. The whole physical act of it to me felt mostly awkward. Over the years, I have gotten pretty good at it, mostly so that I could make them cum reasonably fast, and be done with it. I moaned and grinded my way through the whole thing, faking orgasms left right and center and to the unsuspecting bedpartner I no doubt was an enthusiastic and skilled lover. But I'll be honest and say I would rather watch a good movie, have an amazing dinner or do something else I enjoy too, with them. Even though I am physically fully capable of having orgasms, the whole experience to me has always been in the "it's okay" category. 

I have been told by several of my ex partners that I never take the initiative. This is absolutely true. I will never propose to watch a football game, either. 

Earlier this year someone close to me came out as asexual. It's a term that for most of my life I had not even heard of. I am almost 59 and when I was younger we kind of knew gay people existed, lesbians did, but anything else outside of being straight and sexually active was unknown territory. Once I did hear about asexuality, I just assumed it meant something was physically wrong with these people, making them incapable of having sex and/or orgasms. And that wasn't me. But when this person desribed what he was feeling, or rather: not feeling, to me, I listened carefully, and at the end of his story I told him two things: That is perfectly fine. And; I think I am, too. 

There has been a ton of reading up on the subject and analyzing myself, since. Suddenly, all of the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. There was a word for the way my sexuality works. And maybe even more importantly: I was not alone. And that was immensely freeing. 

Estimates are that about 1 to 2% of humanity is asexual. What you may not expect is that most of them are in intimate relationships. Some, because although asexual they are not aromantic and crave the romance, the seduction etc. Others, because they love their partner and want to make them happy. 

In the real world, I have no partner and I am incredibly happy, that way. In SecondLife, I do partake in sexual activities, because I enjoy the bonding aspects of the experience and since there is no awkward RL rubbing genitals going on. And I do enjoy erotic roleplay. I enjoy writing, and so doing a very descriptive sex scene is fun, to me. As fun as roleplaying, for instance, a vampire is to me, too. Both are nowhere near the top of my SL priority list though. And because it's the bonding I value the most, I have very little interest in sex with strangers. I am never horny, I never need to get off (and actually, I won't even if I do engage in erotic roleplay). So this whole "fuck, I'm horny, let me go find someone to have sex with" that I see a lot in SL.. doesn't happen to me. Ever. And so the rare times I do partake in erotic roleplay, it will either be with someone I know very well and enjoy that  bonding experience with, or someone who is clearly an exquisitely descriptive erotic roleplayer who managed to engage my mind within a short period of time. Which takes being wildly dominant (without being a mysoginist idiot, that's an instant turn off for me). I am a very real submissive but to me, it's about feeling the power over me. It's not a sexual thing at all, although that may be, and usually is, a part of those dynamics. 

Because it is not a priority for me, people who keep messaging me for sex even if they are close friends tend to chase me away. It makes me feel like a steak in a lion's den. When I'm building quietly, out shopping, or hanging with friends chatting and having fun, sending me a "hiya you sexy thing" IM will provoke a profound "UGH"response, and if done repeatedly, will make me not want to engage in erotic roleplay with that person even if my mindset is so that I would be willing to. 

Seeing me as a challenge is also a total turn off. "Oh, so you're picky, well that makes it extra special if I get you to have sex with me". That.. is actually quite offensive. Do you tell lesbians "I bet you'd no longer be a lesbian once I get my dick inside you", too? 

What I need is to be accepted for who I am. Asexual, and an occasional sexual roleplayer. I need people to understand that to me, it's not a priority nor a need in any way and that I refuse to help them get off if I'm otherwise enjoying myself, or just not in the mood. I have been faking it long enough as to not offend people. I'm done doing that. 

So here it is, out in the open, in honor of Pride month and in honor of, well.. myself. I am a happy, out of the closet, asexual. Show me the respect I deserve, and you just might be one of those people I enjoy erotic roleplay with. Don't.. and find yourself desperately trying to get into my virtual panties.. forever. 

A submissive should not... or should she?

This one is actually a writing assignment I was given by E., my amazing Master. We had a conversation the other day, talking about friends of ours, where the submissive girl enjoys slapping her Master around and he enjoys it, also because it gives him the perfect reason to put her in her place. It's a fun, very primal interaction, and I like it. But in my mind, it clashes with what I've always been taught submissives should, and in many cases shouldn't, be doing. So I was given this assignment: write down all the things I have at some point been told are "not done" by submissives, and highlight the ones I would actually enjoy doing. So, here goes! 

Let me start by stating that in the past, I was a slave for 10 years in a 24/7 TPE relationship with my husband, that eventually turned sour and ended. I'm not wired to be a slave, but I was trained into being one, regardless. Since this is a particularly bad episode in my past, I don't feel like revisiting the extreme things I was trained into back then and have long labelled "utter bullshit", since. 

So let's focus on the things that I still think are valid today, and find myself hesitating to do because in my mind, they are still "not done". I will divide them into 2 categories: The ones I agree with and feel no need to try, and the ones I may actually want to explore . 

Agreed:

- Disrespecting one's Master. This may entail things like lying to him, being rude for no reason, being an annoying (so not just playful) brat in public just to see if he's going to do something about it, or more generally causing drama, gossiping, being a bad person as my behavior will reflect on him. I actually believe this is not done towards anyone I care about, so this one is a no brainer, to me. 

Not sure: 

- Being the only one who gets sexually satisfied. In the past, it has been drilled into me that my purpose is to serve, to give, etc. And so, being made to cum without him doing the same, feels wrong in my mind. It makes me really uneasy if someone, anyone really not just him, focuses solely on satisfying me because in my mind, that means they are serving me, and it should be the other way around. 

Want to explore: 

- The first thing that comes to mind here is being more primal. I love that interaction between our friends but at the same time, slapping, scratching, biting etc. my Master is something I was always taught is not done. 

- Taking the initiative. This is another one I have a hard time with. Even if I really want to play, have sex etc., expressing that is hard, for me. I guess this also falls under "being more primal" in a way. 

That's really all I can think of for the moment. if more comes to mind, I will add to it. 

Better times

 I just came back to my blog for the first time since the hernia episode, last year. I haven't felt like writing. First I was too busy recovering, and then I carried on with my life. I am proud to say I eventually was able to go back to work after 2 months. For a couple of hours a day at first, but slowly but steadily upping the hours and eventually ending up calling the company doctor that I was done with the 'slow build up" schedule, hours wise, I was on and wanted to work my full normal hours. 3 months after the hernia I was back to that. My back is still needing extra care, which means getting up at least every hour and walking around for a bit. I've been exercising, keeping a healthy diet, keeping a strict sleeping schedule and making sure I do everything I can to be as healthy as possible and the results are beyond what the doctors initially told me was possible. My A.S. is hardly progressing, if at all, which is amazing and pretty much an "against the odds" kind of thing. 

Other than that life goes on. There's ups and downs but nothing major and I am generally quite the happy camper here. I'm kicking ass and taking names, and if anything the past year has proven it is that telling me I can't triggers an "oh yeah?" in me, and then I prove that actually, I can. 

Back issues - Update 3

 Yesterday was a really bad day. I had somehow managed to end up sleeping on my back, which causes me backaches by default when nothing is wrong with me, but now that my back is already injured it made things far, far worse. The pain was back full force, I could barely move and I didn't make it to the toilet in the morning. Yuck. 

I called the physiotherapist and told him I was not going to make it the next day, to come to him. Just too much pain, and no idea how to even put my shoes on. He was very nice and offered to come see me the same day. Once here, he pulled and pushed around the hip area, put pressure on the bones at the center and it all hurt like hell, but I did feel a little better after. The pain was back to a somewhat manageable level but towards the end of the afternoon I was so tired of battling the pain I fell asleep and didn't wake until 7 pm. Owshit, I was supposed to cook dinner hours ago. I stumbled out of bed and met my son Mike in the hallway. 

He told me he had ordered food from our favorite place which would arrive soon, and that the cats had already been fed so to not worry about a thing. This man truly is my angel right now, helping out where he can and doing just the right things to cheer me up on a grim day like yesterday. 

Today it's a lot better again. I am doing my exercises, walking around the house a lot, managed to feed the cats myself, took a shower and changed clothes all by myself. I'm doggone tired because every movement has to be planned out and done very carefully, but I am managing and it feels great. I get up every 15 minutes to walk to the balcony door and back, and then I stand by the dresser in my bedroom and pull my knees up one by one to the top of it. 

It probably all sounds silly and easy but to me right now, it's top sports. It's going to take time but I will get there eventually. One day, I will dance again. 

Back issues - update 2

 Sooooo this morning I woke at 6 am, took my painkillers and waited a while for them to kick in, meanwhile doing some stretching exercises in bed. When I finally though it was safe to try and get up, I managed to get out of bed with no pain at all. Walking still wasn't pleasant and very very slow, but I was rejoicing that the dreaded "getting into an upright position" actually was a piece of cake, today. 

Sticking to my "get up every 15-30 minutes" schedule so far, to make sure I keep progressing. Still no clue how to get to the physiotherapist on Tuesday, but feeling more confident I'll be able to do it than yesterday. 

I'm finding I am mostly battling my own fears here. At the slightest wrong movement, or even: fear the next movement might be a wrong one, all my myscles in my lower back, hips and butt cramp up, causing me the exact pain I was afraid of. I have since learned that doing breathing exercises to force myself to relax works, but not always. 

All in all, still seeing progress, so quite happy about that. 

Back issues - update

 Sooooo I was stupid yesterday and went from 3 to 2 of the Tramadol painkiller tablets. I was feeling good during the afternoon so I was like: why not, that stuff is very addictive so the sooner I'm off it, the better. So I skipped the 2 pm pill ( I used to do 6 am - 2 pm - 10 pm) and decided to stick it out until it was time for the 6 pm pill, even managed to last until 7 pm until I actually took it.

All seemed fine until I woke up this morning in a TON of pain and spent all morning getting back to even being able to move around the house again, alternating between shuffling around slowly and in a lot of pain and doing stretching exercises as sitting made it even worse. I'm back to where I was before I was stupid yesterday, now and will be a good girl and take the 2 pm pill, too.  It does make me way more dazed and forgetful but that pain.. was not worth a clearer head :(. 

My next appointment with my physiotherapist is on Tuesday at 1 pm and I am supposed to come to him, this time. NO idea how to even put my shoes on but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. For a normal person it's a 10 minute walk so I'll leave half an hour or 45 minutes in advance to make sure I get there on time. 

Way to go, Braveheart. Sometimes, listening to what the doctor tells you to do is actually a smart plan.