woensdag 16 juli 2014

50

Two weeks ago, I turned 50. Which wasn't a big deal at all to me, but people kept telling me it is a milestone and so I suppose now is the time to reflect on my life so far, and to look forward to the years ahead.

I'll be honest and say it hasn't always been easy. I have had my share of disasters, illness, I've had everything taken away from me and started from scratch multiple times. I have fought for my daughter who was diagnosed with autism at a very young age, determined to give her the best life possible. I have given up my career to become a fulltime mom, and once the kids were big enough, I have gone back to working only to find that whatever I once was I am not anymore. 10 years of not working tends to set you back to having to start from the bottom all over again. And so workwise I find myself being at a level which once was several levels below mine. Not the manager anymore but the employee. No more Chanel, Pradas and Lobotins but jeans, T-shirts and sneakers. The past few years, I have dealt with my kids entering puberty, as a single mother, barely making enough to survive and yet wanting to give my children all I possibly could. I have dealt with so many threatening letters and phonecalls from the bank, because my ex husband wasn't paying the mortgage on the house I still co-own and they wanted their money. Last year I have faced possibly losing my job because my scores weren't good enough.  I had a burn out and then a heart attack this year as first my mind, then my body collapsed under the pressure. Then, and only then, did I finally learn the lesson.

And the lesson was to let go, just be, and deal with life one breath at a time. To face both triumph and disaster with equal grace and acceptance. To realize, all of this is just one big illusion and that I am free to be, no matter what curved balls life throws at me. And to start counting my blessings, all of them, for they are many.

And so here I am. 50 years of age and for the first time in many years, I can honestly say I am happy. When I look in the mirror I no longer see an overstressed, overtly tired, worn down working mom. I see a beautiful woman looking a lot younger than I am. With curves in all the right places and a few I would rather live without but I fully accept them as a part of who I am. Scars all over my body but they are battle scars, from surgeries survived and healthy children being born. A sparkling pair of blue eyes, a grin that appears frequently. And I am oozing with energy. Not always physically, I still have a heart condition and sometimes work, or difficult days in my private life make me very tired. But it is a physical thing and it doesn't affect me mentally.

My children have grown up to be wonderful human beings. They have a sense of honor, truth, dignity and don't bend under the pressure of what society thinks they should do or be. They tell me what's on their mind and share their insecurities, dreams and setbacks. My daughter is a fully normal, social, great young woman and I wish I would remember the name of that doctor at the hospital who once told me she would never, ever be independant just because I would love to pay him a visit and tell him that nothing is impossible if you believe and that giving up on a child is always, always the wrong choice no matter how grim the future may seem.

I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a job I love to bits, friends and colleagues who make me smile many times a day, an awesome team leader who has pulled me through more than once during moments when it all fell apart. My scores are back up, my job is secure. I am loved. I am appreciated. I am whole.

I am not afraid anymore. The old house is for sale and there will be a huge debt remaining once it is sold, but I will deal with it when it happens and not worry about it. I am learning to speak my mind when people do me wrong. I am learning to ask for help when I need it instead of trying to be perfect all the time, even if I am really not up to it. I am accepting me, all of me. And most of all I am learning it is okay to do things for me, and to strive for happiness, not just for those around me and my kids for who I feel so, so responsible but for myself, too.

At 50 years of age, I am finally discovering what it's like to be the master of my own fate. The creator of my own dreams.  And I have learned that flying isn't a matter of desperately moving your wings up and down trying to stay up in the air. It's a matter of floating on the winds and taking advantage of the air streams, the hot ones and the cold ones because it is in these differences, the yin and yang, the darkness and the light, that movement is found.. effortlessly.