donderdag 28 juni 2007

What have we done?

"What have we done to this earth?" is how the lyrics of Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" start. I just watched this video on Youtube and it brought tears to my eyes, as well as made me physically sick. I know, nothing new there, and we've been basically destroying the planet and everything good and pure on it from the moment we've been around, still.. ouch.

Just watch that, and tell me you managed to do so without feeling anything. I for one couldn't keep my eyes dry, and apart from invoking tremendous sadness it angers me to no end that we are letting all this happen.

Live Earth on July 7 will be another attempt at raising global awareness, just like Live Aid was, and this time it's about global warming and what we all can do to fight it. See the website for more info. I just hope we will eventually all wake up and stop being the most destructive species this planet has ever known. One can hope, right?

vrijdag 22 juni 2007

On gourmet sluttism

It has never been a big secret that I do not believe in monogamy. My marriage is open, and since I don't do monogamy in my offline life, I see no reason whatsoever for being any different online. And so, even though I have a partner I love to bits and back together again, in both versions of my life.. I am free to have sex with whoever I want to have sex with. And I will, when and if I want to.

Because of this, I have been called a slut on many occasions. Does this bother me? Well, somewhat. The term has a ring of negativity to it. A slut is dirty, cheap, easy in most peoples books. The type that will sleep with anyone. Stupid, and therefore indulging in the only thing he/she is good at: spreading them for whoever is interested. And that... is so not me.

First of all, I am far from stupid. A person needs to trigger something in me, by being creative, witty, a great person to be around both inside and outside the bedroom. I need to be able to connect with them on different levels and then sex becomes a natural part of the relationship. I can have sex without that connection and occasionally I will do it, just for the heck of it or because I sense the other person needs it badly, but it's not really interesting nor fulfilling to me. And so, I am also far from easy. The fact I can sleep with anyone I want to sleep with, doesn't mean I want to sleep with everyone. Far from it, in fact. I'm quite demanding in what I want to receive in return for what I give, and I honestly think I have a right to, because I have an awful lot to give.

This is why I may often come across as a flirt and a tease and fact is.. I love teasing. But I'm not just doing it because I like it.. I'm also feeling the other person out, trying to discover what they're really after. If it's a quick fix, getting their rocks off not really minding at all who is at the other end of it.. I loose interest instantly. Go surf the mostly flesh colored parts of the net for dirty pictures, download some porn, read a naughty story or whatever, but stop bothering me.

I prefer the occasional exquisite lovemaking over wasting time and energy on having lots and lots of non creative, boring, and therefore totally unfulfilling encounters. Like it or not, I am a gourmet slut.

More mushy poetry

Senses

I am free
when bound by your ties
and I want you to know

Beautiful
when molded to your liking
and I want you to see

Powerful
when crouching naked
and I want you to feel

The answer
to your fantasies
and I want you to go there

I can lift you up
by kneeling before you

I want you to fly with me
so I can show you
how magnificent the view is
from the top

zondag 17 juni 2007

WIITWD

Belief system or: WIITWD (What it is that we do)

Having read so many thought provoking posts in multiple blogs here, I feel the need to share some of my thoughts. It may tell you a little bit about how we (where we stands for my partner and me as well as several of our closer friends) think and interact. Fair warning: my ideas have often been perceived as radical so if you are amongst the people who prefer to see love and relationships as beautiful, almost Disney style Beauty & the Beast love stories and get very upset when people say it is otherwise.. please, do not read any further. Also please note that I don't really distinguish between the relationship with my partner and the relationships with others. I love all of them, just on different levels and for different reasons.

The path we have chosen in our dynamics has been greatly influenced by the way we see life and our tasks in it in general, our belief system. We call this the Ordeal Path and no, this is not a religion of any sort, but rather a way of interacting with the people around us, life, and the Universe. It is based on values such as honor, dignity, honesty, being fluid in our perceptions and ways of being, openness, compassion.

An important part of my way of thinking is that there basically are two cycles going on in our lives. One goes from pain to relaxation to pain to.. etc. The other one goes from growth to standing still to growth etc. Now those cycles are parallel. The moments of pain are the moments of growth, and the moments of relaxation are the moments where we stand still in our development, look back and evaluate, and let the lessons that are behind us sink in. Both are neccessary and needed, both are inevitable and thus to be accepted.

Another thing that is vital in understanding the way we think is the fact that we strongly believe we are in each other's life for a reason. Not "just" love, or being friends, or similar interests. We are together because we can offer each other just what it is he/she needs at that particular time. Two halves of a whole, yin and yang, a symbioses that was meant to be. Accepting this means that whatever it is that comes on my path, I will accept it and sooner or later I will discover the lesson that was hidden in there.

Having said that, I also believe that life is a solo quest. This may seem contradictory to the yin/yang statement I made earlier, but it really isn't. The symbiosis is a constantly changing dynamic, not a static situation. We interact with people in the way that is best at any given time and under the circumstances but as the dynamic changes, so do we and thus the energy between us. Other people may accompany us on the path for shorter or longer periods of time but in the end, we and we alone are responsible for our own happiness.

For that very reason I do not trust my loved ones. I love and accept them as they are instead. They are human beings after all and to trust them is to place faith in a mythical outcome and hold them responsible for that outcome. They are not responsible for it or for me. If they chose to do things I do not want to be a part of, or if their deeds cause me to not want them in my life anymore, then that is my decision to take. I will not be angry nor sad, I will simply move on.

Many people have tried to convince me of their truth and told me what they thought was appropriate behavior. I have taken what I thought was good and discarded the rest. I do not believe that "the" truth exists. There is only perception. My dreams are as real to me as my everyday life, the dragons and demons I have met are as true as the neighbors and the butcher. My beliefs and actions, the way I choose to live my life and the things I do because of that are as good as anyones and no one has the right to label them as "wrong", "dangerous" or whatever *to me*. They may very well be wrong or dangerous to others, but they are mine.

There is a lot more I could say about all this but for now I think this is enough. All I can add is that living this way has proven to be right for us so far and has pulled us through difficult situations that would have been devastating or even killing to others. It is not an easy path. But as dark, windy and dangerous as it is at times... it also leads along the highest mountain tops and has provided us with insights and beliefs we would never want to live without.

Feel free to comment on anything I have written here. Your thoughts are highly appreciated.

woensdag 13 juni 2007

Cuddle pile

As soon as I open the front door the kids run past me and inside the house, leaving me on the doorstep holding my bike which has two heavy shopping bags hanging from the steer. I growl and manage to lift the bags off the bike, carry them inside, then park my bike in the hallway.

Once I have closed the door behind me I take a bag in each hand and make my way into the kitchen. I can hear the kids in the living room upstairs, laughing and screaming and running around on the wooden floor, making so much noise it hurts my ears. I'm tired, I'm hot, my bad knee hurts from the long walk home, I'm hungry, need to put the groceries away and make lunch. Taking another few steps into the kitchen I almost trip over the kids' schoolbags, left in the middle of the floor. I kick them aside and am about to yell something very unfriendly upstairs as something red and furry slides along my shins, forcing me to instantly come to a full stop, waving my arms with the shopping bags to prevent myself from falling over.

"Rascal!" I yell at the cat and he looks up at me, giving me one of those "whot??" looks. Ignoring my obvious anger he keeps rubbing against my legs, purring loudly. It's impossible to stay mad at a cat if they act like that. Soon, Jake and Elwood join in. We named the striped tabby twins after the Blues Brothers and often tell each other they share 3 brain cells between them. Two pairs of yellow eyes gaze up at me, giving me adoring looks not cluttered by any sort of intelligence. A purring choir now surrounds my ankles and I surrender, putting the bags on the floor then carefully making my way to the big old sofa in the kitchen.

They jump me the instant I sit down, one in my lap, the other two next to me on the sofa, all three of them purring loudly, rubbing their faces against me, tails up in the air. A fourth cat joins in and soon we become one big cuddle pile on the sofa, petting and rubbing and purring. The bags with the groceries forgotten on the kitchen floor.

After a few minutes my son comes walking down the stairs, peeking into the kitchen and finding me there, on my back on the sofa with a big grin on my face and four cats on top of me. "Ehm mom.. are you okay?" he asks. I laugh and nod and assure him I'm just fine.

Cuddle piles are the greatest. And if you have no cats: it works miracles with humans, too.

dinsdag 12 juni 2007

Poly People

Often, when I mention the fact I am polyamorous, people respond by saying things like "oh cool, so you guys sleep with other people too?" and similar statements. For some reason people primarily think it's a sex thing. Well, I like sex, a lot even.. but that really isn't what being poly is all about.

Wikipedia gives a pretty good definition: "Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamorous perspectives differ from monogamous perspectives, in that they respect a partner's wish to have second or further meaningful relationships and to accommodate these alongside their existing relationships."

So yes, we can sleep with other people without having to worry about our partner getting jealous or upset. But what's far more important is that we are fully capable of loving, truly loving, multiple people at the same time.

It takes a special type of person to be able to be in this type of relationship. One needs to be rather self secured and not become jealous, feel abandoned or "not good enough" to be able to deal with a partner who is falling in love with someone else. One also has to be independent from ones partner and not see them as the center of ones universe. Enjoying without claiming nor holding them responsible for our happiness.

Getting there is a struggle which may take quite some time. Society tells us monogamy is the norm, and anyone desiring other partners is a lustful sinner who should burn in hell, or various other places depending on the specific religion. As always, truth and normalcy are in the eye of the beholder, and I strongly believe that ultimately we can only be our own judge. We should do what is right *for us* and what makes *us* happy (as long as we don't harm other people or break any laws). I personally learned a lot from reading Heinlein and from talking and talking and then some with my husband and various other people who had been poly much longer than me. And then of course from actually living this way.

Yes, it takes a lot of work on yourself and there will be tears along the way. Getting rid of layers of society induced bullshit as we call it can't be done without at times feeling pain. But if you can do it, and are capable of sharing in the joy rather than going insecure and sad, it is also one of the most magnificent feelings and deepest realizations of being connected to a person. When I'm having problems with a lover, my husband is the first one I'll talk to, and he'll listen and give his ideas, comfort, and he will be as happy as I am when things get worked out between me and the other guy. And when he tells me about someone he's starting to really fall for, and I see the twinkle in his eyes and that wide grin I love so much.. all I feel is a warm, deep love for this man, happiness, and peace of mind.

Oh, and the sex is great, too ;)

maandag 11 juni 2007

On Dragons


I have this big thing for dragons. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by them. Dragons were amongst the first things I was making drawings of, and as soon as I started developing (or rather: refinding) my spiritual side they were amongst my favorite companions as I started to learn how to shift dimensions while dreaming and traveling. I have a big dragon tattooed on my upper back. (see image, yep, that's my back) .

In SecondLife, I am a part time dragon. A huge white one to be precise, because that's what my dragon looks like. I love playing the dragon. Partly because it's a great character to roleplay (my dragon is a tad arrogant when speaking with them silly humans, loves to watch them struggle as she confronts them with their weaknesses, plus at times I simply like to be something else than a pretty redhead. Visiting friends who ask me over and appearing as the dragon while they expect the redhead is.. well, fun, to say the least :))

I found an online test about inner dragons and it confirmed what I already knew: white. Here's what it stands for:


If there ever was an apparition of balance, power and reclusive intelligence, your Inner Dragon is it. Whites are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. Your antithesis is the evil Black Dragon. Together, you two embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions (especially Taoism).

Though you might find that neat in passing, it's not really what a White is all about. You like to think things out, plot against enemies, and look down upon the world from the highest mountain peaks. Your favorable attributes are the Day, the Sun, reaching for spirituality, truth, a positive attitude, and helpful magic. Humans only need fear you when they stray into your domain without proper payment for passage. Of course, that payment would probably be a cake the size of a Volkswagen, but hey, if they wanted to move through your turf they should have brought it, right? If someone ever threatens you, your Inner Dragon would likely tell you to hit and run, or just plain run. If they really wanted a fight you'd be an impressive opponent, considering you pack a breath weapon combination of Fire and Lightning. Even the nicest dragons can do some serious damage.

Hmmz, any dark evil black dragons out there up to the challenge? ;)

Watch me fade

Sometimes, when feeling extremely good or extremely bad, I write songs to express myself. Here's one of my songtexts, hope you like.


Watch me fade

Please allow me to explain
how the fact I don't raise hell nor put up fights
doesn't mean you have me indefinitely
You may take me for granted
but watch me

Watch me as I slowly dissolve
all that binds me to you
I have cried too many nights
Waited in vain too often
and I will stop the hurting
just watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Better know I will refrain
from kicking and screaming.. I don't sink that low
the fact I won't fight doesn't make me weak
I just pick my battles
you watch me

Watch me as the distance grows
can you still see me?
Well maybe it is not too late
Maybe you will learn
to finally appreciate
and watch me

Watch me fade
as long as you still see me you can reverse the process
but once I'm done
I'm done

Watch me fade
I will do my best to stay a little longer
but once I'm gone
I'm gone

Watch me fade
This one too will make me stronger
Now that I'm done
I'm gone

donderdag 7 juni 2007

Second Crack

I play SecondLife and have been doing that for a while now. I like it, when it's working. Recently though, it's been down, bugged, slow, laggy and whatever a lot. It has greatly diminished my enjoying this virtual world, on the other hand I'm way too addicted to it to quit.

And so I sit, grind my teeth as my client crashes once more, my objects won't appear in game, teleporting anywhere fails and and and.. you get the point. Luckily, there is the blog, the one place where Linden Labs (the guys responsible for keeping the whole thing running, using paperclips and rubber bands if you ask me) somewhat communicate with their user base. Today it told us:

[UPDATE 11:51 PM] It turns out fixing search is going to take more than initially thought, it will probably be down for most of the night. We apologize for the inconvenience and will have a team of crack Operations people patching it up in the morning.

Oh wow. Crack operations people. Not just operations people but.... crack operations people. I wonder if that is what they're on and what makes them ignore our questions, requests for help, and general feeling of being unhappy with the game. But that's not the point. I sat and wondered about who these people were for a while, then Don came online. And he had the answer. This crack team has been filmed.

So, here they are, Linden Labs one and only.. Crack Operations Team.

woensdag 6 juni 2007

Status Drama

Lately, I've stumbled upon a strange phenomenon I just can't seem to get my head around. What is it that makes people decide their Yahoo/MSN/Gtalk/whatever messenger service status indicator is THE place to show the world how bad they feel?

I mean.. I use status indicators, like "Fetching kids & groceries, brb" or "not at my desk" or "cleaning house, please disturb". I do that so my friends know what I'm up to and to give a rough indication of when I'll be back. But why on earth would anyone feel like having "Hurting, please leave me alone" as their status? Or "Pissed, go away" or "Friendship is an illusion" combined with a busy icon. I don't get it.

If you feel that bad, why log onto a Messenger service at all? And if you do, why mention your state of mind in your status almost screaming your pain at the world, but at the same time saying you want to be left alone?

What's really at work here is reversed psychology if you ask me. What those messages really say is: "I do want you to message me, very carefully, ask me how I am and I will at first act a bit reserved, then whine for an hour, then tell you I really don't want to speak with anyone. And you'll feel double lousy, once because you did message me even though I told you not to, and again because my life is so terrible right now". Drama queenism, to the max. And I for one am not gonna fall for it.

Feel lousy, wanna talk? Then talk. I can deal just fine with a "Feeling like shit here, I so need a hug" message. You'll get that hug, instantly. But the drama queens resorting to status indicator guerilla tactics I will fully and bluntly ignore. Unless they do it too often, then I will remove them from my list.

zaterdag 2 juni 2007

Yet another personality test

I have this thing for personality tests. I love taking them, just to see if the outcome is something I recognize myself in. This time, I took the one at similarminds.com. Here are the results, just for shits & giggles.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||| 43%
Stability |||||||||||||| 60%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Accommodation |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Interdependence |||||| 30%
Intellectual |||||||||||||| 56%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||| 23%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness |||| 16%
Work ethic |||||||||| 36%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||| 63%
Conflict seeking || 10%
Need to dominate || 10%
Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||| 23%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||| 16%
Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Individuality |||||||||||| 43%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 50%
Peter pan complex |||||| 30%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical Fitness |||||||||| 37%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 56%
Paranoia |||||||||| 36%
Vanity |||||||||||||| 56%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 43%
Indie |||||||||||||||| 61%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com